Old Book 1: Aonghas Cousland, the Warrior Mage
by DreGregoire
Summary: I have started a slow rewrite of this, but I will leave this up until I am nearly done with the rewrite. Reflections have been seperated and placed in a seperate complete story here.


**Aonghas Cousland, the Warrior Mage**

_**The Birth of a Legend**_

Eleanor Cousland lay exhausted as her screaming newborn was placed in her arms. She was surprised to see eyes that were not the blue of a newborns but instead a darker mirror of her own emerald green eyes. Bryce leaned in and kissed her on the cheek before examining his son. He counted toes and fingers and grinned as he noted the male status and then he brushed a hand over the babies brown fuzzy hair. He then noted the eyes of his child. As he stared in amazement the infant appeared to meet his gaze and stopped crying. Bryce and Eleanor looked at each other in surprise, a loud wail from the infant brought their attention back to him and once again the baby quieted as he looked into Bryce's eyes. "He's exceptional, Eleanor. Let's name him Aonghas." Eleanor smiled and nodded.

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**__**The Soul Yearns and Becomes Complete: Aonghas and Majestic.**_

Six year old Aonghas slipped out of Redcliff castle while his father and the man who owns the castle laughed at the story Teagan was telling them. Somehow he found his way to the kennels and slipped into them while the kennel master chastised a boy covered in mud. The other boy must have been two or three years older than himself and he was too busy staring at the ground to notice Aonghas. Aonghas walked right up to the one of the larger hounds and wrapped his arms around the hound's massive neck and snuggled his face against its jowls.

As he listened to the hound he began to notice that the kennel master had stopped talking. Suddenly the hound let out a low deep growl and shifted itself to the side to protect Aonghas. "Easy, Milady." Aonghas lifted his head as the kennel master spoke and the man had a worried look on his face, with a trace of awe. "Come away from the hound, young lord." Aonghas raised his chin and shook his head and then buried his face against the hounds head again. The hounds rumbling growl increased a bit warning the kennel master. Aonghas could feel the shock and disbelief of the kennel master that the hound allowed Aonghas to touch her. Aonghas and the hound relaxed as the kennel master backed off some and spoke again. "Come away, lad." Aonghas ignored the man. There was silence for a time and then, "Alistair, go get Arl Eamon and the Teryn who is with him. Go quickly." There was a scurrying sound and then silence again.

Aonghas could hear the commotion as more people arrived but he was too busy listening to the soul of the hound to pay attention. Finally, his father's voice intruded on his rapport. "Pup, what are you doing?" Aonghas wanted to ignore his father but he had learned early that his father having to repeat himself would mean trouble.

"I'm learning. She has so much knowledge. If you listen closely you can almost hear her ancestors." Aonghas tried to go back to listening but his rapport had been broken and the heavy silence from outside the kennel had disturbed the hounds. Aonghas released his hold from around the hound's neck and turned to face the growing but silent crowd. He rested a hand on the hounds back and smiled. "Can I have her?"

"No. Come out from there, pup." Aonghas frowned and dragged his feet all the way to the edge of the kennel. He didn't object as his father reached over and lifted him up and out of the kennel. He wiggled as his father hugged him tightly, because his father's whiskers tickled his cheek. Father loosened his grip, but still held him in his arms. "Don't ever do this again, Mabari can be very dangerous." Aonghas started to object to correct his father but a stern look quieted his tongue.

"Well, Bryce. This sure beats the stories my brother was telling us." Aonghas smiled and wrapped his arms around his father's neck as the men laughed. A bark startled them all and they all turned to the kennel. Aonghas strained to be let down to see what she wanted but his father wouldn't put him down. "Look at that I think she's trying to give one of her pups to your son, Bryce." Aonghas felt his father's arms tighten around him for a moment but then his father released a deep sigh and put him down. Aonghas rushed over to the kennel and held his arms out and smiled up at the man with the long beard who held the squirming pup. When the pup was placed in his arms Aonghas suddenly felt whole and complete, the pup most have felt the same because it began licking him.

"Eamon, he's only six," complained father.

"And imprinted already. Surely he is blessed by the Maker. What say you, Bryce, shall we talk price?"

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A Thief in the Making

Nine year old Aonghas moved casually through the gathered party guests. Fergus' birthdays always seemed to be so grand and so many people filled the hall to bursting making the bumping of each other a common occurrence. It was a haven of sorts for a blossoming young thief. Aonghas had always been overly cunning and sneaky and he felt a thrill at the idea of taking from these stuffy individuals. Aonghas' belt pouch quickly filled with coins and baubles and even a couple of rings he had, miraculously he thought, removed off of a couple of slightly drunk men. A quick run to his chamber to stash the loot and then he slid casually back into the hall to spot his next target. A large blond haired man who appeared in his mid to late teens appeared to be holding court in the middle of the hall and Aonghas' couldn't keep his eyes off the flash of jewels and the bulging pouch hung loosely on the mans belt. Just as Aonghas' neared the man he felt a hand close over his arm. Aonghas started and turned quickly and met the green eyed gaze of his father's squire. Aonghas thought about resisting as the squire led him out of the room but he knew better than to create a scene. Once in the hall he shook off the squire's hold.

"What is your issue, Roland?"

"Do you know who that man is, My Lord?"

"Who?"

"The one you were considering stealing from."

Aonghas felt himself blush and was about to deny he had intended to steal but a knowing look from Squire, Roland Gilmore, changed his mind. "No. Who is he?"

"He's the Prince of Ferelden. You know… King Maric's son."

"Really?" Intrigued now Aonghas couldn't help but stare at the prince as he entertained the people around him with grand tales of King Maric. When Aonghas moved closer to the man to listen, the squire followed. A glance at Roland told him that the squire was just as interested in the prince as Aonghas. Aonghas found himself hanging on the mans every word and gesture, so much so that he failed to notice that there was a bit of a commotion in another part of the room. When the prince stopped talking and stared toward Aonghas and Roland, Aonghas couldn't imagine what had silenced the man but when a heavy hand dropped on his shoulder and he was easily turned he looked up at the culprit and found a red-faced Fergus glaring down at him. His older brother didn't say anything but he gave a nod to Squire Gilmore and then pushed me none to gently toward the door. Once more I didn't make a scene as Roland pulled me from the room, but this time he didn't let go once we were in the hall but continued to pull me through the castle.

"You've done it this time, My Lord. I don't think I've ever seen him this angry." Roland didn't stop dragging Aonghas along until the door to Aonghas bed chamber loomed before them. "Best go inside and wait for him." Reluctantly Aonghas did as the older boy told him, his stomach churning, and his mind numb. When Aonghas saw the squire take up sentry at the door, he slammed it closed and then flung himself at Majestic hugging him tight. Majestic stood strong in the face of such despair and nudged his charge occasionally using his worried whine.

The wait was long, but it gave Aonghas time to compose himself and when a knock came at his door and Fergus stepped in without an invite Aonghas was ready. Fergus didn't say anything at first but stood staring around the room his fists clenched. Then finally he said in a softly menacing voice. "What did I tell you?" Aonghas could feel the tremors in his knees, but he answered calmly.

"About what, big brother?"

"You know what I'm talking about. Don't feint innocence." Fergus glared at him fiercely. Aonghas fought a tremor and raised his chin and then turned away from his brother.

"I assure you I don't know what you are talking about." He heard Fergus grunt and then he heard the unmistakable sound of a buckle being undone and he turned back quickly and started backing away from his brother. "I didn't do anything!" Fergus advanced and Aonghas screamed at him hoping to alert their parents. "Don't you dare, Fergus Cousland!" The scream didn't even slow his advance down and Aonghas found himself out of room with his back firmly against the wall opposite the door. A commotion heard in the hall and then mother and father entered the room with concerned looks on their faces. Suddenly Aonghas found himself second guessing his decision as Fergus gave him his fiercest glare.

"What's going on, Fergus?" My father's voice was calm but had a tone that demanded a response.

"Little brother has been stealing from my party guests." Fergus' voice wasn't calm and he appeared to be panting in rage. "I already warned him once what would happen if he did it again."

"But I didn't do anything." Aonghas was amazed at how calm his own voice sounded and confident too. "I was just standing there listening to Prince Cailan and Fergus grabbed me." Sure that Fergus would say something Aonghas eyes opened wide when Fergus instead strode to his chests and threw one open. Aonghas didn't dare move as he threw open the second one that held the objects that he had stolen and his older brother still didn't speak but gathered up the two stolen rings and handed them to father. Father stared at the rings for a moment and then closed his fist on them.

"Pup, this is not the way we raised you. Stealing from guests that we invite to the castle is bad enough but during your brother's party makes it so much worse. Fergus, I will deal with this."

Fergus moved across to the door and held it opened for his mother. "He needs to be taught a lesson, father."

Bryce's gaze narrowed as he looked at his eldest son. "I said I will deal with this. Now go."

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A Mage Discovered

Twelve year old Aonghas Cousland had been studying up on magic since he was nine years old. His life had become more difficult then, his time being more structured and the ever constant Roland Gilmore, four years his senior, squire of his father followed him around during his free time. The only time he found some freedom was in the library or if he read in his room. Nobody seemed to mind what he read, just that he was staying out of trouble. Aonghas' reading consisted of books on trap making, herbalism, poison, and mage powers. Roland often left him just outside the entrance to the hall that lead to the family quarters so Aonghas often explored the rocks imagining secret rooms and then one day the scholar found a secret garden that he was able to get to through a hidden door in the hallway near the entrance to the main family quarters. The garden had only one entrance and so far nobody had come in while Aonghas was there. The last two years he had been growing herbs and even some poisons in the garden.

Aonghas had been shocked when a bird flew into the wall of the garden and he cried out loudly and ran to the bird and began to heal it. He didn't even hear the wall behind him grate open but when he released the bird and it flew off healed he saw Fergus watching him. Fergus didn't seem surprised and he did not yell and scream like Aonghas expected him to. His calm words terrified Aonghas more than his threats to spank his brother's backside for pick pocketing guests. "Come with me, little brother," he said and Aonghas followed him, trembling, to mother and she smiled at her sons until she looked closely at Fergus and slowly her face drained of color.

_**Aonghas Cousland Returns**_

Aonghas had been home for less than a week when Fergus urged him to follow him and lead them into the hidden courtyard garden where Fergus had caught him years before practicing his craft. Aonghas stepped into the garden and stood staring in shock because it was obvious somebody had been caring for the plants he had left behind. Fergus threw his arm around Aonghas' shoulders and pulled him close. "Mother, Father, and I agree that this will be your special area that you don't need to hide yourself." Fergus gestured to the far corner where a lean to structure had been erected, "I built that for you to keep stuff in. It's not that great but it will keep the rain out." Aonghas stepped further into the garden and over to the building and peered inside and then he turned and looked around noticing a bench seat and a bubbling fountain that had been added. "Mother shopped for that fountain for months and Father took the bench from the main courtyard. You may recognize it. Ser Gilmore and I managed to figure out how to get water to the fountain."

"Who did all of this? Who took care of my plants? How did all this stuff get in here?"

"Don't worry, little brother, only the family knows of this place. I did most of the work and lugging with Ser Gilmore's help. You should have seen father, Ser Gilmore, and I stealing the bench and trying to sneak it through the castle. Mother and Oriana ran interference for us. We all laughed for the longest time when we finally made it undetected. The fountain was just as much of an adventure. The steward is still trying to find out what happened to it. Mother keeps telling him it's no matter but he's beside himself how such a large purchase disappeared." Fergus' laughter was infectious and Aonghas couldn't help but laugh too as he pictured the Cousland family sneaking around their own castle. Fergus collapsed on the bench and Aonghas joined him.

"Thanks, Fergus. This means so much to me. I missed home so much and there was no quiet place to get away from everybody at the circle tower." Aonghas looked at Fergus who had leaned back against the wall to lounge. "I know Father said he would come for me after I completed my training but over time I started not to believe that he would."

"I can understand that. I can't imagine having to go through what you did. You seem so different from before, quieter I guess. Tell me what it was like."

"At first all I could think about was going home and I cried almost every night. My friend, Jowan, he was what made me finally calm down. He had been at the tower since he was very young so he knew his way around the place. We both use to explore in places we weren't suppose to be. I can't tell you how many times we barely escaped detection."

"What of the templars? Did they make you uncomfortable? I hear they watch the mages all the time."

"No… I wouldn't say they made me uncomfortable most of the time I barely noticed them. They seemed more like the watchful guards here for the exception they were watching us instead of watching out for others. Maybe at first I worried about what they would do, but I was really careful. I didn't let on how much I already knew. When I would go to training I would pretend I didn't know how to do something and then pretend like I learned it. I know everybody was amazed at how quickly I learned but the templars didn't seem concerned about me. Of course I knew early that First Enchanter Irving knew who I was and there is a chance that Knight-Commander Greagoir suspected I was different. Sometimes I would catch the Knight-Commander looking at me oddly like he was trying to place who I really was, but it didn't seem to make him more watchful of me." Aonghas gave a shrug and leaned back against the wall.

"You mentioned your friend. Jowan was it? Tell me about him."

"He was a good friend." Aonghas felt a lump in his throat and swallowed hard, while fighting the urge to tell his brother what had happened. "He was the one who patted my back when I was homesick. He didn't mind it when I cried like some of the other apprentices did. I think my level of despair was hard on the others because most of them had been there for years already. He was the best friend a person could have."

Aonghas fell silent and closed his eyes fighting the tears back. "Aonghas you keep saying was. You are using past tense for him. What happened to, Jowan?" Aonghas shook his head from side to side refusing to respond. "Well when you want to talk about it I'm here for you." They remained silent for a time and then Fergus spoke in a sly tone of voice. "So still up to thievery? I mean you did say how you and Jowan use to sneak around in places you weren't suppose to me."

Aonghas let out a loud laugh and sat upright his eyes brightening. "There is a thrill to it. It was even more thrilling there because it was one thing I felt I could do that I didn't have to worry about being labeled an apostate." He felt Fergus shift and when his brother's hand landed on his shoulder, Aonghas met his brother's gaze.

"I want to be very clear to you Aonghas that you are not to ply that skill here. If I catch you doing it, the consequences will be swift. There will be no time for you to call for father to get out of the whipping you deserve." Aonghas' eyes widened at his brothers threat and he stuttered for a moment before responding.

"I… I would… I will not get caught." Fergus' eyes began to look dangerous. "I… mean I will not steal." Fergus nodded and looked away and dropped his hand from Aonghas' shoulder.

"See that you do not." There was a long moment of uncomfortable silence. "I'm sorry you have to hide your mage abilities, but it's for the best. People may not understand how you are able to be home."

"But I can't inherit Fergus, you all know that right? I mean I'm still a member of the Circle of Magi."

"Yes we know that but there is no reason to go around telling everybody the situation. Father and Mother had to pull some serious strings to get the Circle to give us a mage of our choosing." Aonghas nodded and there was another time of silence before Fergus spoke again. "You seemed upset this morning at arms practice. What was the problem?"

"Oh… it's just this whole change in my appearance. It's really upsetting."

"What about it upsets you? I think you look very… intense." Fergus laughed and rubbed a hand through Aonghas' hair. Aonghas laughed even as he involuntarily leaned into the touch. Aonghas hadn't realized how much he had missed being touched by his family. He hadn't wanted to let go of his mother as she hugged him when he finally made it home.

"I don't look like my family anymore."

"Sure you do little brother. Your skin may be paler, and your tough platinum blonde hair doesn't match, and then there is your eyes… they are still emerald like mothers but lighter, brighter and now they glow a bit. Yet you still look like us. Your shape hasn't changed. The fact that you are a Cousland hasn't changed. You can't get rid of us that easy." Fergus laughed and Aonghas couldn't help but join in. "What did happen anyways? What brought on the change?"

"I don't really know too much about it. When I awoke after my harrowing the changes had taken place already. I asked Irving about it and he said that both he and Greagoir had been told by their predecessors that it could happen and that it didn't mean the mage was possessed. Irving couldn't answer my questions, except to say that it was extremely rare but that it has happened in the past and that usually it meant that the mage would be extremely powerful." Aonghas lifted his arm and stared as his extremely pale skin. "My skin is so odd colored, it's more than just pale, and sometimes I think it glows."

"You are still Aonghas Cousland, son of Bryce and Eleanor, and my little brother. I wouldn't let it worry you. You'll be who you are no matter where you are or what you look like." Fergus' arm wrapped around Aonghas' shoulders and the younger brother allowed himself to be pulled closer and he rested his head against his brother with a deep shaky sigh. Fergus leaned them both back against the wall and the two brothers didn't speak again for a very long time, more comfortable in the presence of each other than they had ever been before. Finally Aonghas stirred and sat up.

"Thank your for all of this, big brother. I feel like I'm finally home."

"Oh here I have a present for you from Oren. He says he wants you to write your story." Fergus handed Aonghas a scroll case and inside was blank scroll sheets. "He spent his birthday money on it. I told him to give it to you himself but he wouldn't."

Aonghas smiled, "I'll make sure to thank him. It's perfect!"

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These scrolls and the scroll case they are enclosed in were given to me, Aonghas Cousland, by my ten year old nephew, Oren. He spent his birthday money on it.

**Reflections One:**

As I sit in my herb garden in the shade cast by the courtyard wall I can't help but reflect on my life. It had been six months since I had returned home from the Circle.

I had hid my abilities well, until six years ago when my brother caught me in this same garden practicing my healing on a wounded bird and it wasn't the kind that required my herbal knowledge. My brother hadn't appeared surprised and he did not yell and scream like I had expected him to. His calm words terrified me more than his threats to blister my backside for pick pocketing our guests. "Come with me, little brother," he had said. I followed him, trembling, to my mother and she smiled at us until she looked at Fergus. Her face drained of color and her calm words did nothing to calm me.

"You saw him," she asked Fergus? When he nodded she covered her face with her hands and then spoke softly. "I will speak to your father. Aonghas, please wait in your chamber for us." I had wanted to defy her. I had wanted to scream defiantly my denial of what Fergus thought he had seen. I could not in the face of my mother's obvious distress.

The wait in my room seemed endless and my twelve year old body was as restless as my mind, suddenly I looked around my room and realized there was evidence of what I had been up to nearly everywhere I looked. I had raided the library of my grandfather's books on magic and they decorated my shelves. I had also coerced others into getting more information for me under the guise of finishing my grandfather's collection. I had also accumulated books on herbalism and poison-making, the components of which littered my two tables. The trap-making stuff that filled one of my trunks and the array of armor and arms were the only things in the room that didn't shout mage. When the knock finally came at my chamber door I had worked myself up to a near frenzy and I rushed to the door and yanked it open. "I didn't do it!" I nearly screamed at my father and Fergus.

They both looked down at me with these sad faces that made me want to slap them both and my fathers stern tone made me quake in rage. "Do not raise your voice to me pup. We have been suspicious that your studies were more than that for sometime and you should not have hidden this from us." I just stood glaring my body visibly shaking my face as hot as it had ever felt. Fergus pushed passed me and began sorting through my things and putting a few of them in a large saddle bag, when I turned to prevent him my father grabbed me by the arm and pulled me around to face him. When I tried to push away from him he grabbed me by my upper arms and held me still. "You are going to the tower. I will do my best to bring you home again when you are done training, but you need to work hard and show them that you are not a threat to anyone." I did not resist my father any further as I stared into his eyes that suddenly looked old and tired and very sad.

My mind was numb for a time; I vaguely remember saying goodbye to mother, Oriana and my little nephew Oren. My father, Fergus and I had just left the gates of the castle when I yanked my horse to a stop until the two had passed me and then I set heels to the horse and headed for the nearby woods. I heard Fergus shout my name and my father order him to stop me. I could hear the thundering of just my horse's hooves at first but then slowly I started to hear Fergus' horse's hooves thundering louder and louder as he gained on me. I was furious as I realized that they had given me an older horse to ride, I was more furious at myself for not paying attention to what had been going on. When I saw movement to my left I knew Fergus had arrived. When he reached across and grabbed my horse's reins I tried to yank my horse to the side but I hadn't responded fast enough and he easily counteracted the yank with one of his own. I felt like crying when he led me back to where father waited. Neither of them said anything but Fergus attached a lead to my horse and tied it to his saddle. The ride to the tower was long and miserable. I didn't say anything and neither did they. Fergus and I waited outside the tower while my father went in. It was a long wait until my father returned with a mage and two men in full plate armor. I do not remember what happened because my mind had gone numb again. The next thing I remember clearly is sitting on my bunk with an older boy asking me my name. I think I cried myself to sleep for weeks but then I hardened my resolve and remembered my father's words. I proved to the tower I could control myself and I went through the big test and I passed and then I was forced to betray a friend and then I was home. Back at Castle Cousland I found my room striped of all evidence that I was involved in magic studies. I enjoyed getting reacquainted with everyone. Being a Cousland my training both martial and political was pounded into me at a rapid rate for the last six months as if to make up for the five and a half years I was gone.

Six whole months gone already and here I sit in my garden occasionally stretching to relieve the ache of a morning of sword practice with Fergus. He had bested me again but I can tell I am getting closer to him in ability and know some day I will be able to best him. It will not be anytime soon because there has been a call to arms from King Cailan and we will be heading into battle, at least I hope I am. People go quiet when I'm around lately. I do not know if it is because of the change in my appearance that happened during my Harrowing at the Circle or because I am just the youngest Cousland and my parents want it that way. Majestic really missed me when I was gone and I thought he would never leave my side again but lately he's been up to his old tricks again. I'm so proud of his cleverness.

I was just handed a summons from my father to the throne room, so my further reflections will have to wait for a time.

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Reflections Two:

Now I return to my reflections as I sit on my bed watching Majestic clean himself. I met a Grey Warden today, his name is Duncan. He seems pleasant enough but something about him sets my hair on end. I also managed to get chastised by just about everybody who means anything to me. I went to the throne room as ordered to find father in conversations with Arl Howe. That rat nosed man tried to get me interested in his daughter, as if I would want to be with his spoiled princess. And then Father tells me I'm staying home to run the Castle! Just because mother doesn't want me in danger! To be fair to her she probably worried about me all the time when I was in the circle tower. Still I want to go with Father and Fergus! Then just as I leave the throne room I am accosted by Ser Gilmore and in his usual way he managed to glue himself to my side until I did as I was asked. He even agreed to make sure I did as requested in front of my mother and her guests when she asked him to "see that it gets done." And of course he did it all in that let's be reasonable voice, which I know he learned from my father. It's that damn look they both give me too that makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable and should shape up. Then finally, after a few choice words with Nan, a slaughter of rats, and a story lecture from Nan; my mabari and I were left to our selves. I still had to deliver the message to my brother so after a quick visit to the chantry priest who chastised me as well and a quick trip to the library I headed up to the family chambers. There was mother right where I left her and of course I wasn't getting by without a private chat. She wasn't fooled by my avoidance of her questions and she made it clear that I was staying at the castle and not joining my brother and father. I was angry, I know she could tell. Then she went soft on me and I couldn't resist her gentle love that always managed to ease my anger. "I love you my dear boy."

Fergus was easier we joked a bit and expressed that we both wished I was going to and then just as I delivered the message from father my parents came in. I could tell they wanted me to leave but I just wanted to be close, but my father's suggestion that I head to bed early was backed by mother and my brother, who couldn't resist throwing a jab about being sent to bed early. One last conversation with my father and a few comments about the Grey Wardens and Duncan and then I was off to do as suggested.

I was refused today. I was told that after my next birthday would be a more appropriate time for something of that nature. Two months until then. For now here I sit, alone. I'll sleep now and add to my reflections another day.

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Reflections Three:

I am sitting by a camp fire on my way to Ostagar. I am angry with my parents and I am angry with Duncan and I am angry with myself. Why did I not stay and protect my parents? Why did I not make my mother come with me? Why, when I tried to turn back in the secret passage to go to their aid did I allow Duncan to stop me? His words and my parents' words had helped me make the decision to leave my parents behind. I had been conscripted into the Grey Wardens despite my objection and my father had agreed to it. I still was in shock that he would give me over to Duncan and the Grey Wardens. To save me they all claim; however, I do not consider being saved from one death and given to another to be saving someone.

As we traveled through the secret passage my mind slowly began to realize how quickly my life had been changed against my will. A moment of clarity hit me and I realized I had just abandoned my parents and I knew I had to go back for them. The passage way was narrow and the only way back to my parents was through Duncan. I tried to just push by but he pushed me back and said the most chilling words I ever heard. "Keep going or you die." The words shocked me and I couldn't tell if he meant he would kill me or going back would. Still in shock I allowed him to turn me and begin herding me along ahead of him. As we were leaving the secret passage I tried one more time to return to my parents but he grabbed me from behind by my shield harness straps and forced me onwards. I thought about drawing my sword on him, but the memory of my father lying in a pool of blood and the look on my parents faces' of love and relief that I was escaping and my fathers request to find my brother and seek revenge overwhelmed me and I found myself barely able to walk on my own.

It had been almost three days since we escaped with hardly a word exchanged between us. I could not stand the silence any longer and quietly asked Duncan to tell me about the Grey Wardens. At first he seemed guarded as he shared his adventures with me but as he spoke of his time with King Maric his words seemed not so guarded and youthfulness seemed to fill his voice. I could tell when he had revealed more to me than he meant to because he would get this shocked look on his face and stumble over his words for a moment before continuing on with the tale. ((Want to know the tale? Read 'Dragon Age: The Calling' by David Gaider; however, the story told to Aonghas is much edited)) The fact that Duncan choose to tell me his story instead of giving me details about the Grey Wardens as I had asked was telling. He was obviously trying to tell me something with the tale, perhaps showing me that even though I had been conscripted into the Grey Wardens did not mean that I wouldn't be important to the order. Further conversations with him lead me to believe he had plans for my role in the wardens.

We finally got around to talking about me and even though I had been careful to not use magic around him he knew about me. He told me point blank that he knew of all my abilities and that I must be careful not to reveal to others all my abilities until I actually became a Grey Warden. The official story at Cousland Castle was that I had been sent to squire with a distant relative and while there I contracted a sickness that altered my appearance. Very few people at the Circle Tower knew of my true identity. I was not a Cousland at the Circle, I was just another mage that learned quicker than the others and had passed my Harrowing at a young age and then got lucky to receive an appointment outside of the Circle. I knew that Duncan was trying to tell me without using specific phrases that becoming a Grey Warden would be a blessing for me, because mages are suppose to give up family ties. My family wouldn't let me go and had pulled every string they could find to have me returned home and I became an exception. It would be my guess that my one friend at the tower was used as a way to make it possible to move me out from under the templar and Chantry influence.

Even though I hear clearly what Duncan is trying to tell me I can still feel myself glaring at him and raging inside about the unfairness of it all. Six months after I was returned to my world it disintegrated around me. I knew logically that I was blaming Duncan unfairly for everything that happened but I couldn't help but confront him at times. The last time I accused him of taking me against my will and threatening that I will appeal to a higher authority to force him to release me, he asked me in that calm voice that seemed so against his nature. "Do you think that King Cailan will go against your father's wishes? If your father had refused the conscription then you would have an easy out. He agreed to it though didn't he?" It infuriated me even more that he used my own father against me. It made me feel helpless to rage against him. I would have much rather he threatened to turn me in for remaining a nobleman while being a practicing mage. I haven't spoken to Duncan much in the last couple of days but he continues to talk as if I'm responding to him. He says we will be in Ostagar tomorrow, it should be interesting. I may try to make an escape when his attention is elsewhere.

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Reflection Four:

I only have a short time to reflect as Alistair is upgrading his gear with the camp Merchant. Who is Alistair? He's the most junior of the Grey Warden in Ferelden. Duncan and I arrived at Ostagar earlier today and were met by King Cailan. Cailan knew who I was even though we had never officially met. He appeared shocked and dismayed at the loss of my parents and promised to make Howe pay, but I was angered that he was unable to do anything to fix the situation immediately and upset that my brother was out of reach and I smart mouthed the King. Duncan squared off to face me even as he apologized to the King. I felt myself flush and my heart begin to pound, but the King told Duncan not to worry about it and Duncan released me from his glare. I was surprised when the King left that Duncan didn't say anything about my behavior and instead showed me further into the camp. I glanced back once as the gates to Ostagar closed behind me and the guard posted there restored the lock. Duncan left me at the edge of a long bridge and wandered off with Majestic following. I always found it strange that Majestic had taken to Duncan so readily. Duncan had told me to seek out Alistair when I was ready. I was stopped by a soldier who gave me more information about Ostagar. I was stopped by an older woman named Wynne who I was sure spotted me as a mage, and then I went straight to the Merchant and sold some older gear I had and upgraded some gear. Then I headed to meet Alistair. In hind site I should have waited to meet up with him. I found him harassing a mage. I didn't tell him I was a mage, but he did tell me he had trained to be a templar. It seems Duncan had sent word of me ahead. Alistair knew of me but failed to remember my name. Hopefully he won't take to calling me "hey you." He's just as bad as Ser Gilmore, attaching himself to my side and following me around. The look he gave me when he saw me helping myself to a few soldier's coin pouches reminded me so much of my brother Fergus I almost laughed. He is a good source for information telling me things that Duncan had not, but still avoiding questions about the joining and the specifics of Grey Warden access to knowledge of the Darkspawn. I had met a cutpurse named Daveth who is also a recruit and Alistair seemed scornful of the man. It makes me wonder if Alistair knows how Duncan came to be a Warden. Alistair did not appear pleased when I told him I didn't care for Duncan, I probably should have kept my own counsel on that one but I could still feel a rage in my gut at Duncan for the way things had turned out. Well Alistair has his new upgraded armor now so I'm off to explore more of the camp with him in tow.

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Reflections Five:

The camp was bustling with activity. I helped a prisoner by getting him food and he gave me a key he stole for a mages chest (it wouldn't be the first time I stole from others of the circle.) I helped myself to some baubles and coin, making Alistair frown each time. I tried to go in the wilds and then into the main camp but was stopped by the guards. Finally Alistair and I headed to Duncan after finding Ser Jory.

Alistair, Daveth, Ser Jory, and I were sent off into the wilds by Duncan to collect darkspawn blood and to find some ancient treaties. We got the blood and returned to Duncan only to be told to keep looking for the treaties. I had found information and signs for treasure and while the other three were busy battling darkspawn I took off on my own in search of the loot. I ran into a pack of particularly strong darkspawn and after making sure Alistair and the others had not found me yet I did battle using staff and magic. I had just found the area where the loot was when I was set upon by three more darkspawn. I had switched to sword and shield again because I had heard the others calling out to me. The four of us dispatched them easily and I collected the treasure. We took a rest at the campsite left by the darkspawn. I could feel the other three watching me with puzzled looks on their faces. Alistair asked the other two to scout around a bit, leaving him alone with me at the fire. "Aonghas Cousland, I have to ask you something. Are you a mage?" I looked up at him and saw him staring intently. "Before you answer me let me tell you that as a templar trainee we learned to spot evidence of magic use. The darkspawn you killed by the bridge had mage bolt, ice and lightning damage as well as sword damage. It was all fresh damage. When I asked you earlier why you are wearing robes you laughed it off as a nobleman's eccentric behavior. You told me you didn't like wearing armor because it hindered your movements." I looked away from Alistair refusing to answer as the other two came within earshot and he sighed and then stood, "I'll go scout a bit myself." Jory, Daveth, and I sorted through the loot and divided it up among our packs. I sat down to write in my journal while Jory and Daveth relaxed. I'm not really sure what to make of Alistair. When I tried to convince him to tell me more about the joining he refused and later I tried to threaten it out of him and he got upset and told me to back off. Being who I am I tried one more time with no luck, so I just let it go for now.

Alistair is back and he said, "Let's get a move on, shall we?" So I'll end this reflection for now and continue later.

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Reflections Six:

I am a Grey Warden

After my joining I stood for a long time not moving and then Majestic barked and pawed at me so I petted him for a while. I could feel tears welling up as I reflected on the cost of me getting to this place in my life. My parents and Oriana and Oren are gone. My brother Fergus is missing. I could feel doubt creeping in on me. How could I possibly live with my losses? Suddenly I felt so alone and even though Majestic pushed himself against me trying to relieve my stress I was lost in darkness for several minutes. Finally I mentally shook myself and went to sell the loot I had found in the Wilds. Then dressed in my father's armor I went to meet up with Duncan.

Alistair and I are the only two Grey Wardens left after the defeat at Ostagar. Loghain betrayed the King. Duncan, the leader of the Grey Wardens is dead and King Cailan is dead. I feel as if there is a stone sitting on my chest, even now I feel as if I'm struggling to continue on. Alistair seems content to let me run things unless my decisions go against his values. When I helped the merchant in Lothering by chasing off the people harassing him Alistair made the comment, sarcastically, that he bets I make allies everywhere I go. I had felt my face heat up and slammed on my helm to hide it.

And then a miracle happened, I found Ser Gilmore, who I was sure had died with my parents, to cover my emotions I pretended not to know him at first. He didn't find it that funny but…oh well.

I've been ignoring Alistair for the last day. We've been in Lothering for a few days now helping the village out while deciding where we should go next. Thinking of Alistair even now I begin to get angry. "I won't let that happen," he had told the Revered Mother at the chantry in Lothering. I cannot believe he did that. Here I was trying to add people to our cause, people who would fight beside us and he goes and…. Grrrr… I am so angry. I almost challenged him then but the templars were watching and the Revered Mother was already angered that I had threatened her. Alistair begged her to give us the key to Sten's cage and she did but not without a few choice comments. It's been two days since then but the tension, between Alistair and I, appears to be increasing instead of fading. I've tried to leave him at camp but he's determined to stay by my side. He asked me a few more times if I was a mage but I refused to answer. We had gone back to the chantry to learn if any more news had come and I knew when the templar in charge in Lothering mentioned that he knew I was a mage things were about to get a bit more heated between Alistair and I. It seems that the Circle Tower is in trouble. I'm not sure I'm ready to go back there yet.

We had just dispatched some poor sods who thought we would make a good bounty when Alistair stepped in front of me, I made to go around him but he grabbed me and pushed me away from the others and into the hard stones of one of the highway supports. "You're a mage?" I could tell he wasn't really asking and I didn't resist his grip on my armored arms even when his grip tightened uncomfortably. "You avoid telling me the truth all this time and then you have nothing to say to me?" Just then Ser Gilmore announced the arrival of some wolves and Alistair released me and we dealt with them. Even as we moved on to head back to camp, I knew Alistair would be on me again.

We were on our way to camp when we were set upon by assassins we killed all but one and he has now joined us, much to Alistair's displeasure. Later at camp I caught Alistair in my stuff, he wasn't even ashamed to be caught, and then he turned to face me with papers clutched in his hand. When I yelled at him and demanded to know what he thought he was doing, he answered, "I knew you were a mage. These papers show that you were assigned to the Couslands by the Circle of Magi. You should have been honest with me. All this time I was worried you were an apostate." I held out my hand not saying anything and he handed me the papers back and stalked off to finish cooking. I put my papers away and headed over to talk to Ser Gilmore. Later I talked one on one to Morrigan, Leliana, Sten, and Zevran. Morrigan and I had a nice chat even though we disagreed on a few points. Leliana seems a bit strange and I could tell there was more that she was hesitant to tell me but I didn't push her. Sten reminds me a bit of some of the older and gruffer soldiers I've known. I'm not sure he has any faith in my abilities. Not that I care what he thinks. I'll have to watch that assassin, Zevran, closely; he really got upset with my reactions to his answers to my questions. Alistair ignored me when I tried to talk to him, so I shrugged and snuck off back to Lothering by myself.

This time I made sure to stop to 'talk' with everybody in Lothering. When I returned to camp everybody was sitting around the large camp fire getting to know each other. Things got a bit quiet when I showed up, it was a feeling I had gotten use to in the six months I had been back at home, so I easily shrugged it off and helped myself to some food.

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Reflections Seven:

I haven't added to my reflections for a month and a half or so. I couldn't believe when I realized I had lost my scroll case somewhere in my travels, I was devastated. Fortunately, Sandal had miraculously found it on a return trip through the area I had lost it in. I think that my time might not have been so miserable if I had had the opportunity to use my writing to examine my thoughts and feelings.

About a month and a half ago, after talking to Levi Dryden about the old Grey Warden stronghold I decided that we needed to head up towards Denerim and then over to Soldiers Peak. We tried to find the Dalish on our way through that area but were unsuccessful. I had a few things to take care of in Denerim the least of which is to check out this brother that Ser Donall mentioned. I had also found my 'stock' dwindling and decided what better place to 'stock up' than in the large city. I was sure that we could easily elude detection by Loghain's men while there.

We did find brother Genitivi's home and ran into his assistant Weylon who told us the brother had gone to an inn near Lake Calenhad. We'll make sure to check up on him when we head that way. Later than sooner because I'm still not sure I want to return to the tower. I made a few new connections and visited the Blackstone Regulars contact. A few jobs completed and we had more than enough 'stock' for the time being.

Soldier's Peak has been recovered. Alistair seemed pleased. Not that I cared what he thought at the time. I was too busy snubbing him because of how he had been treating me. I mean I knew that he hadn't agreed with some of my decisions but I couldn't believe how cold he was being towards me.

We headed on to Lake Calenhad to run a few errands but I wasn't ready to go to the tower yet. I think Alistair was surprised when I turned and walked away. It was a long way back to Denerim but after we had been attacked at the Inn by Lake Calenhad I knew we needed to talk to Weylon again. I think Alistair had wanted to head to Redcliff, but I didn't see the sense in going there without knowing if the Sacred Ashes could be found before hand. Weylon in Denerim turned out to be an imposter and now we are headed to towards Haven.

I want to avoid reflecting on my actions during our long travel between Lake Calenhad and Denerim and then between there and Haven. Let's just say I made an effort to show the worse of my talents. I spent a good amount of the remaining time making friends with everyone but Alistair.

We arrived in Haven and Ser Gilmore decided to confront me about my skill at arms and my lack of tactics. Pretty much he blamed me for him ending up unconscious on occasion, due to him having to defend me in my recklessness. I caught Alistair nodding out of the corner of my eye but he didn't say anything. And then not two steps later Sten confronted me about my tactic of; as he perceived, running away from the darkspawn. I was a bit flippant with him and he exclaimed he was taking command and to draw my sword, my heart about stopped on the spot. I was barely able to get my sword and shield out in time and the moment it took me to activate my arcane combat ability almost caused me to loose. I won but barely and Sten acknowledged my right to lead. Phew! My blood continued pumping through my veins at a rapid rate for sometime after that. I couldn't help but wonder at the fact that Ser Gilmore and Alistair just stood and watched us. I find myself wondering if they had known Sten's intentions before hand.

We found brother Genitivi; well, rescued him more like and then sent him on his way back to Denerim. And then… Ser Gilmore just had to bring up my brother, I had been doing well up until that point on avoiding thinking of Fergus. Suddenly I could feel the rage building up inside me but I stuffed it down and we continued our search for the ashes.

I was starting to think it was pick on Aonghas day. It definitely was pick on Aonghas day, every time we ran into a new group of combatants I ended up knocked down by some type of attack. I'm starting to think leading the charge really isn't for me. Maybe I should let the others go in first. Eck, what kind of leader would I be if I stood back and let others do my fighting for me?

Sten had just told me a week before getting to Haven that I wasn't as callow as he first thought and then he goes and tells me that… Forget it I'm not going to dwell on what anybody says anymore. We successfully retrieved the ashes and then we headed to a town down below Redcliff to find this Golem I have a rod for.

I'm starting to feel like I have a sign around my neck that says, "I'm your hero, ask me for the impossible." One Golem on our side but not controlled by me.

I knew it was time to head to Redcliff to see Arl Eamon, so we went and then… Alistair… he told me who he really is and I couldn't believe it. On my case constantly about not telling him about myself and then wham he hits me with the fact that he's King Maric's bastard son. The heir to the throne! I was so angry I marched us away from the entrance to Redcliff to set up camp. I can't handle this… not only am I one of the only two remaining Grey Wardens, but now I've got a prince marching around by my side. Just bloody great! Things can't possibly get worse. Wait I was wrong, Ser Gilmore wants to train. He's been at it every time we're at camp. If only his look of disapproval didn't remind me of father, I would tell him where he can stick his… Worse and worse I tell you!

It stormed that night and I agreed to cross swords with Alistair; he and Ser Gilmore had suggested it before but I had said no each time, but now knowing that he could be our future King I felt obligated and that was before Ser Gilmore gave me that look. Alistair didn't pull out the 'I'm a prince trump card.' Which is what I would have done, because I enjoy pulling out the 'I'm a noble don't defy me card.' I think he actually has himself convinced that he isn't in a position to inherit. Alistair won the bout although he claimed the Maker had won because lightning struck near us right after he had disarmed me and laid us both out flat. I think I was hoping that some of my anger would dissipate while I fought Alistair. I was fine while I was fighting but as I lay where the lightning bolt had knocked me and stared into the cloudy sky I felt my anger give way to tears and those emotions that I had fought to hold back overcame me at last, fortunately my tears were hidden from the others by the rain.

Today we are headed into Redcliff to seek out Arl Eamon. Four days from now is the day I was born but I had made sure to tell no one and I made it clear to Ser Gilmore that I did not want the others to know. I could tell Ser Gilmore wishes I would allow him to acknowledge the day I finally hit my majority, but I want nobody to know how young I really am. Let them think I'm around twenty or so it's much easier that way.

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Honing our skills

The clouded night sky was suddenly lit by a brilliant flash of lightning and then about thirty seconds later thunder rumbled in the distance. The rain began to gently scatter to the ground, hissing as it hit a large campfire. A group of people sat gathered near the fire their gazes fastened not on the incoming storm, nor the fire; but instead on two men who stood ten paces from the fire.

A series of lightning flashes revealed the two men standing four paces from each other with shield and sword drawn. The lightning reflections danced along their heavily armored bodies and helms. The two seemed frozen in time as if they were statues and then as the flashes of light ceased the larger of the two sprang forwarded and a crash of shields and swords sounded louder than the thunder in the distance. The interplay between the two continued neither giving ground, until suddenly there was a loud crack and the larger man cried out in pain as his shield was cracked in two.

Aonghas fought to maintain against Alistair as the larger and stronger man alternately slammed his shield against Aonghas' and swung his blade with what seemed to be the strength of the Maker. Aonghas was quick enough to meet each blade swing, but the force of the two blades meeting and the shields slamming against each other was beginning to numb both his arms. He knew he wouldn't be able to withstand much more of the assault. Aonghas knew he could harness the storm raging around them to win the fight but this was not a live or die battle, it was suppose to be him learning to fight against a different person. Ser Gilmore had taken it upon himself to train Aonghas but the two had become too familiar with each others fighting style. Inspiration hit and suddenly Aonghas brought his sword down at just the right angle onto Alistair's shield and a loud crack could be heard followed by a cry of pain from Alistair as the wooden shield split down the middle. Aonghas suddenly feared he had gone too far and had broken Alistair's arm.

Ser Gilmore rushed to Alistair and helped the man remove the shield. "Is your arm broken, Your Highness."

"No just bruised but that shield is destroyed," Alistair answered in a disgusted voice. Aonghas felt his stomach twist in a peculiar way almost a mix of relief and in trepidation. Alistair being laid up with a broken arm would severely hamper their efforts against the horde of darkspawn.

Ser Gilmore nodded and took the pieces of Alistair's shield and then went to Aonghas and held out his hand, "I'll take your shield, My Lord." Aonghas thought of objecting because he knew in a real battle there would be no fair play but Ser Gilmore gave him that look that his father had always given him as if to say, 'You are a Cousland and will behave as such.' He reluctantly gave up the shield and turned to face Alistair once more. Alistair had removed his helm and tossed it aside so Aonghas removed his and tossed it to Ser Gilmore as the man returned from putting aside the shields. Ser Gilmore collected Alistair's muddy helm and then moved back to the fire with the others.

The storm raged in the night sky with the lightning flashing and thunder rolling closer and closer to where the two men now stood. The lightning revealed two light haired men. The larger and taller man's short bristle cut blond hair was slowly darkening as the rain soaked into it; whereas, the younger man's wild cut shoulder length platinum blonde hair seemed to gleam brighter as it was soaked by the rain. The older man ran his fingers up and through the front of his hair allowing the rain to slick it back, while the younger impatiently pushed his bangs to the sides. The shorter haired man nodded to the other and then rushed forward as the sky seemed to darken even more and the rain began to pound down on the two warriors. The clash of swords sounded louder than the following clap of thunder and the following crashes of the blades sent shockwaves that seemed to encourage the storm to rage more intently, almost as if the two fighters were the cause of the storm itself.

The storm screamed through the valley the campsite inhabited making the onlookers huddle in their cloaks but not a one gave up on watching the combatants to seek shelter in the tents.

Suddenly a lull in the storm came and the sky was so black and the fog so heavy that the fire barely lit up the two men who continued to battle each other. The blackness increased but the onlookers watched in awe struggling to see through darkness. The slighter of the combatants seemed to struggle to see while the taller and stronger was aided by the glowing green eyes of his opponent. With an earth shattering battle cry the larger man swung his sword and when he engaged the others blade he twisted his sword and disarmed his opponent. Lightning stuck the ground inches from the blade of the disarmed man and the repercussion of the strike knocked both combatants to the ground.

"I believe the Maker won that round," exclaimed the larger man as he lay flattened to the ground. The younger man just laughed and stared up at the sky as the storm moved on.

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The Blood Mage

Aonghas, Alistair, Ser Gilmore and Zevran slipped into the Redcliff Dungeon's secret entrance where they found the blood mage Isolde had mentioned being set upon by three undead. The four easily dispatched the undead. Aonghas stood, with his helm still on, in front of the cell. Jowan asked them how they had arrived and when Aonghas said how Jowan looked shocked and gasped. "Aonghas is that you?" Aonghas removed his helm and shook his damp hair from side to side, letting the platinum blonde hair resume its normal shape. He didn't answer but instead stared sadly at Jowan. "Aonghas it is you," Jowan's voice trembled with emotion and he stretched a hand out through the bars. Aonghas trembled as he removed his gauntlets, dropping them and his helm to the floor as he gripped his friend's hand with both of his. Alistair, Ser Gilmore, and Zevran moved away from the two so they could have some privacy. The two friends didn't speak satisfied to grip each others hands and stare at each other. Aonghas facial expression displayed anguish and regret. After a long-time Jowan spoke again. "I'm so happy to see you. I wanted to tell you that I don't blame you for what happened. It was my own doing. I shouldn't have put you in the position I did. I hope you can forgive me."

"Me, forgive you?" Aonghas' voice cracked like it hadn't since he had first hit adolescence. "I'm the one that gave you up to Irving. How can you even think you owe me an apology?"

Jowan smiles and held his friends hand tighter. "You were only doing what the Circle required of you. I know you needed to obey the circle to go home. I was just being selfish. I shouldn't have involved you at all."

The two covered what had happened to Jowan since then including him being hired by Loghain to poison Arl Eamon and Jowan professed that he wanted to make it right by helping fix it. Aonghas shook his head. "No they will kill you. You must leave and not come back. You were the best friend I ever had, Jowan. Change your life if you want but live. I want you to live." Aonghas released Jowan from his cell and hugged his friend goodbye. The others returned to stand with Aonghas.

"You're just going to let him go, Aonghas? A blood mage?"

"Alistair, I won't leave him here to die. Would you?

"I… I guess not"

Alistair's hand landed on Aonghas' right shoulder and Ser Gilmore's landed on his left shoulder. The younger man shook them both off and then wiped the tears from his eyes in anger. "Let's go." Alistair, Ser Gilmore, and Zevran followed their distraught leader further into the castle.

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Reflections Eight:

I couldn't see the sense in aiding the village of Redcliff. I couldn't see how it would help us any. If nothing else it endangered Alistair and I. Sten and Morrigan agreed with me which should have been my first clue that things wouldn't go well when we headed back to camp, but I hadn't counted on Alistair's interference. In the past if he needed to talk to me he would take me aside, but this time he confronted me by the camp fire.

When he stepped in front of me to block my way I had looked up into his eyes that were more cold and harsh than I had ever seen them. The tone of his voice was vicious and more firm than any he had used yet. "We need to talk. Right now." I think I ran through a range of emotions that I hadn't experience before, but I knew I didn't like being talked to like that. The fact that he did it in front of our companions and the camp followers made it all that much worse. I told him I didn't like his tone in, I have to say, a not so nice voice that I had never heard from myself. I didn't need the gasp of Ser Gilmore behind me to tell me that I may have made an error in judgment. "No? Well here's a shocker for you: I don't care. I'm going to talk and you're going to listen." I was so shocked in fact that I stood like a slack-jawed fool with my mouth agape. "You're a Grey Warden. I know you weren't one for very long before Duncan and the rest were all killed, but that didn't mean you stopped being one." I snapped my jaw shut as his words pounded against my shocked mind. "And I'm sick of the mockery you're turning it into. You, a Grey Warden? Duncan would have been disgusted. I can't believe I'm even party to this." His last words of disgust hit me hard and I knew I couldn't walk away from this. He was going to have his say and it would be in my best interest to hear him out. So I said the first line that came to mind, one that I often used when a person had perplexed me. His next words hit me like a Hurlock. "What exactly is my issue? I'm sorry, did you think I was deaf as well as blind? You think I don't know what you've been up to? Give me some credit. There's so much at stake, and you're just in it for yourself, aren't you? Unbelievable." I felt a bit of rage at this point at what I perceived his continued mistreatment of me. When I exclaimed that I hadn't asked for any of this his response shamed me, I could actually feel my face heat up and I knew that everybody could see my shame on my unnaturally pale skin. I remember what he said word for word. "So it's back to "why me," is it? Maker forbid that you were needed to do something for someone besides yourself. Has it occurred to you that you might be part of something larger? That the Grey Wardens might be a tradition worthy of upholding, even if you don't care about all the lives your saving?" His word shocked a denial out of me and his response served to further my shame. "Yes, because your motivations are clearly driven by your regard for others. With a Grey Warden like you, who needs darkspawn?" I could feel my shock fade to anger as his tirade wound down. "I guess I'll have to be satisfied with you actually helping to stop the Blight, won't I? If that's still your intention. I can't do it on my own." At this point I just wanted the whole thing over but I couldn't prevent myself from throwing one last jab at him. "Let's just go. I don't want to talk to you any more." We glared at each other for the longest time not saying anything, but suddenly I couldn't bare it any longer and I spun away from him and stormed off towards the outskirts of camp.

I was shocked that I had told him, "Sucks to be you, doesn't it?" Never in my life had I had the urge to say such a cold hearted thing. I heard Ser Gilmore coming before I saw him. He stopped in front of me and we stared at each other for a long time before I lashed out at him. "I don't need your help. Why don't you just leave me alone?" Ser Gilmore backed away with a hurt look on his face and then slowly moved off back to camp.

I thought things were finished. I was considering packing my stuff and leaving Ferelden, but I couldn't help but think of Fergus. I felt like crying. I felt like screaming. I felt like killing something. And then Alistair approached. I wanted to ignore him to walk away and never look back but something held me there. I don't know if it was duty, desperation, or lack of knowing what else to do. Yet it held me to this man, my fellow grey warden, and the future king of Ferelden. When he spoke his voice had softened but even though his words apologized his tone did not. It reminded me of how he had said, "I apologize," to Duncan back in Ostagar before my joining. It was an okay let me just say this to get beyond it. I wanted to rage at him but I felt a bit numb and I just added my apology to his. We stood in silence neither looking at each other and then he spoke. I remember every word.

"Look I shouldn't have embarrassed you like that in front of everybody. I just couldn't believe you refused to help Redcliff and that collided with my bottled up anger about the way you've been acting for over a month now. We really need to work this out, Aonghas. We only have each other in all of Ferelden. People are depending on us. We need to gain the assistance of a great many people and things like helping the people of Redcliff only serve to show people that we can be relied on. In turn they will feel confident in lending us their aid. I know that the way Bann Teagan and Ser Perth talked to you upset you. People expect a Cousland to act a certain way. It's not fair to you, but it doesn't change who you are." Before I could ask him who he thought I was he told me, "You are the Grey Warden Aonghas, but that doesn't mean you stopped being the son of your father and mother. I think you want to make them proud, at least I think I see that in you. Am I wrong?"

I wanted to deny all he said. I wanted to scream and yell at him. I wanted to, Maker forgive me, smash my fist against his face as he manipulated me, but something inside me twisted and all I could do was nod and softly say, "You are not wrong."

"Right then. Let's head back to Redcliff then and help them win their battle and then help Arl Eamon. We need him to help with the blight!"

I was forced to swallow my pride more than once as I went back to Redcliff and told them all we had decided to help. Bann Teagan, Ser Perth, and even Murdock just took it in stride not saying anything to make me feel like I had done anything wrong. I knew my face was still flushed each time I talked to them. I have never in my life felt so ashamed of my actions. What was I thinking when I had chosen to walk away? Was I even thinking at all?

Nightfall is not far off and we have managed to prepare the village for the coming fight. May the Maker protect us and see us through this battle.

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Will the Grey Warden Recover?

The Grey Warden, Alistair, paced the battlements of Redcliff Castle. It had been a week since Aonghas had saved Arl Eamon and Connor from the fade. Decisions had been made about the direction of things to come. Alistair had been angered as they left and didn't realize that anything was wrong, but as he stormed down the front steps and through the gate he heard Leliana and then Wynne cry out. Quickly he turned prepared for battle and when his gaze fell upon the scene in front of him he was confused as to why Aonghas was laying in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs. Wynne and Leliana hovered over him trying to get him to answer them. Alistair froze unable to move as the scene played out before him. The men who had been training in the front yard rushed by him, but still Alistair couldn't move. A sharper cry of dismay came from Leliana as she raised a hand covered in blood. Wynne ordered the men to help remove Aonghas' armor and Alistair just stared his vision narrowed down so that all he could see was Aonghas' crumpled body. As the armor came off the source of the blood was revealed, but as more armor was removed it became clear that there was more than one wound, but the worse of them was what appeared to be a gaping hole in the downed mage's thigh. It was definitely an arrow wound with no arrow but there were burn marks around the wound. Alistair still hadn't moved when the castle doors opened and Eamon, Teagan, and Isolde rushed out along with more soldiers. Alistair's eyes remained fastened on Aonghas as he was loaded onto a stretcher and taken inside. As the doors closed Alistair closed his eyes and sent a silent prayer to the Maker.

A whole week and still Aonghas had not regained consciousness, his wounds had mostly healed. Alistair knew Wynne was worried that it may have something to do with the fade. She had questioned every one of their companions and the camp followers about what he had been exposed to, but the answer wasn't to be found there. She talked to Morrigan a fair bit about the impact the fade has on a person's body and mind. First Enchanter Irving had returned to Redcliff to see what he could do but he was unable to help. Irving and Wynne talked about what may have caused Aonghas' initial change in appearance and how that might be influencing his current state him. Alistair had sat in on all of these discussions and he had determined that they had no plausible explanations. Nobody could understand why Aonghas was not yet awake. Alistair had not seen Aonghas since he had collapsed on the front steps of the castle entrance. Alistair knew he would have to start making some decisions soon but for the time being everybody was content to give Aonghas time to recover.

Alistair heard footsteps and turned to see Sten and Zevran approaching him. "Ah this is where you have been hiding," exclaimed Zevran. The flamboyant elf leaned far over one of the battlements and commented, "Nice view."

"Why are you here, Alistair?" Alistair turned to face Sten as the Quanari spoke.

"What do you mean?"

"You are here instead of with him. Why?"

"I… I'm not sure I understand what you are asking." Alistair frowned at Sten.

"You are a Grey Warden as is he. Why are you here and not with your fellow Grey Warden?"

"In case you missed the news. He's unconscious."

"Tsk. Come now, Alistair. Surely you know that all of us have been to see him. You are afraid of something. Yes?" Alistair turned away from the two as Zevran spoke.

"You need to see him. Go," ordered Sten.

"You should try to wake him. Everybody else has," chimed in Zevran as he and Sten left Alistair to himself.

Alistair straightened and gave himself a mental shake before exclaiming, "Maker give me strength." Slowly he left the battlement and went to see his fellow Grey Warden.

Leliana was in attendance when he entered and she smiled at him, "It is good that you have come. I've been telling tales to Aonghas about my past and tales I heard of others. Earlier Zevran was here telling his tales. Zevran said that sometimes it appears that he is listening and I agree. Just before you came in he stretched his hand out towards the door. Do Grey Wardens sense each other, like they do the darkspawn?" Alistair shrugged as he moved further into the room to stand over the bed. He wasn't about to talk about what Grey Wardens can or cannot do with outsiders, but he didn't have the heart to tell the gentle hearted bard that. "Do you want me to leave you alone, Alistair?"

"No, please stay." Alistair finally looked down at the form on the bed, he had never gotten use to how pale Aonghas was but now his skin appeared paler than ever. His eyes wandered to the hand that even now lay stretched out towards the door he had entered and well him because he was now standing directly opposite the door. While Leliana watched Alistair moved slowly down the bed and around to the far side. They both watched and waited, their attention was rewarded when the hand closed and pulled back beneath the covers. That would have amazed either of them alone, but then Aonghas rolled his head towards Alistair and an unintelligible whisper escaped the pale pink lips.

"How very peculiar," exclaimed Leliana. Alistair nodded in agreement and hooked the chair nearby and pulled it to the bedside and seated himself.

"Has he spoken before now?"

Leliana hesitated before speaking. "He does mutter from time to time. Usually it's names. His father, mother, brother and nephew; even, Ser Gilmore and Duncan a few times. He says your name the most."

Alistair jerked in surprise and looked up at the bard, "He does?" For some odd reason Alistair felt himself blush, but he shook his head from side to side. "He's probably still angry with me even where he is." After a moment of silence he looked away from Leliana's gentle gaze. "Has anybody been able to make out anything else he has said?"

"No… only the names are clear. Do you read much, Alistair? Rory says Aonghas loves to read. I was going to start reading out loud to him when I ran out of stories to tell, but I think that he might respond to you more."

"I read and there is plenty to read in the library here I'm sure." Leliana stood and picked up a book off the side board and handed it to Alistair.

"I could do with a break. Why don't you read to him?" Alistair nodded and opened the book and began reading in his strongest and clearest voice. He had been well trained in it by the chantry during his templar training. He didn't notice when Leliana left.

Alistair had had enough. Four days of reading to a non respondent Aonghas had set him on edge, making him feel desperate. "Grey Warden Aonghas, how dare you lay in bed when we should be building our army to defeat the darkspawn. You better heal yourself already and get up out of bed!" Alistair placed a hand on Aonghas' shoulder and shook him. "Enough of this already; leave the fade and come back here. I know you can hear me! You are needed here. I need you. I can't do this on my own." Leliana and Zevran burst through the door in response to Alistair's shouting and they were just about to try to remove him when Aonghas' skin started to sparkle and before long it was glowing brightly, forcing the three to squint in the sudden brightness. "What the…" The glow faded and the three looked at each other in shock. "This doesn't leave the room," Alistair announced firmly and the bard and assassin nodded their agreement. Leliana moved closer and moved the cover away from the thigh that had the arrow wound and all three gasped when they saw the wound was totally healed with only a pale thin scar left behind.

"Well I have to say, he definitely heard you this time," Zevran's suave voice sounded a bit shaky but his warm laugh was as hardy as ever.

Alistair was dreaming about Duncan when a stabbing pain in his left rib cage woke him. He stared around his eyes barely opened wondering where he was. He was reclining on a bed his back resting against the headboard and his booted feet propped up on the arms of the chair next to the bed. Not a comfortable position he noted as his back objected when he shifted some. Suddenly he felt the stabbing against his left side again and he heard the croaked words of his fellow Grey Warden. "Is this your bed or mine, Alistair?" Alistair stared at Aonghas in surprised relief. The younger mans eyes glowed their normal light emerald green as he met Alistair's gaze. "Water?"

Alistair surged into motion, almost falling from the bed as he did so. Quickly he recovered and walked to the sideboard to fill a goblet and brought it to Aonghas. Aonghas was struggling to sit up. "Wait, let me help you. You've been in bed for almost two weeks." Alistair set the water aside and slipped an arm under Aonghas shoulders and the other under the younger mans thighs and hoisted him further up onto the bed so he could recline against the pillows and headboard. Aonghas had tensed at being man handled but when Alistair handed him the water he drank it quickly and then he closed his eyes as he held the empty goblet out to Alistair. Alistair refilled the goblet at the sideboard and returned to Aonghas handing it to his fellow grey warden. "I need to go get Wynne; she'll want to look you over." Aonghas didn't say anything as he started drinking the second goblet of water so Alistair stepped into the hall and sent the servant boy stationed there to go get Wynne,

Alistair could feel himself staring as Aonghas shifted around stretching and flexing his unused muscles. Neither of them spoke and then suddenly the room started to fill up with people. Wynne led the charge and she instantly went to Aonghas and began checking him over. Leliana and Zevran seemed to dance into the room followed by the stoic Sten and a relieved Ser Gilmore. Majestic lifted his head from where he lay at the foot of the bed and observed all the people before settling down again. It wasn't long before shale clunked into the room and exclaimed, "It is awake." Alistair slipped unnoticed out of the room.

Alistair stood on the steps overlooking the training yard of Redcliff Castle. His eyes roamed over the yard until he spotted Aonghas and Ser Gilmore, the two appeared to have just finished because Ser Gilmore was putting up the practice gear while Aonghas had a dipper to his lips. His lips moved and Alistair could hear Ser Gilmore laugh and then Aonghas lifted the dipper and drank deeply before returning the dipper to its bucket. Alistair felt relieved to see that Aonghas was moving easily again and as he continued to stare he realized that Aonghas looked healthier than he had ever seen him. His skin was still pale but not as sickly looking. Heaving a great sigh Alistair whispered a prayer of thanks to the maker for not taking Aonghas from him. Slowly the tension of the past two weeks began to ebb out of him. He didn't want to think about how he would have carried on without Aonghas. His mind rebelled at the idea that he would be left alone. He had already lost Duncan and the other grey wardens and maybe it was cowardly of him but he couldn't stand the idea of walking the grey warden path alone. Aonghas looked up and saw him and lifted a hand in greeting. Alistair lifted his hand also and then turned and headed back into the castle to the meeting that Aonghas had set up. The others were there ahead of him. Every one of their companions was present along with Arl Eamon and Bann Teagan. Alistair seated himself next to Wynne and it wasn't long before Aonghas and Ser Gilmore breezed in with faces flushed from their exertions.

Ser Gilmore seated himself as Aonghas stood at the foot of the table. Aonghas' turned to each of the gathered people; his eyes met theirs and he acknowledged each one with a nod before moving on to the next. When his eyes reached Alistair's he gave his fellow grey warden a wink and then he began to speak. Alistair felt himself chuckle as he realized Aonghas' playfulness had returned. "I want to tell you all how much I appreciate everything you have done for me. I understand many of you spent your days by my side talking and reading to me and I appreciate your sacrifice. Many of you have asked me what I remember before I collapsed but to be honest I do not remember much beyond stepping out the door. Wynne tells me it appeared to her as if every wound I had ever suffered suddenly chose to return to me. From her description I would say that is what happened. I wish I had an answer as to why it happened; however, I do not. Again thank you for your care and concern. I'm fine now. I'm ready to start traveling again."

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Reflections Nine:

We were successful in defending Redcliff village. Then Bann Teagan went alone into the castle with Isolde, leaving us to take the secret passage into the castle. Turns out Isolde had hired a blood mage to school her son in the ways of the magi; however, the blood mage had been hired to poison Arl Eamon by Loghain. When Isolde mentioned the blood mages name I fought to hide that I knew him. Once in the castle Dungeon we found Jowan. At first he didn't know me because I was in armor with helm, but he must have recognized my voice because he said my name with a gasp. I removed my helm and he stared at me and then reached his hand through the bars of the cell. I removed my gauntlets and then gripped his hand. Emotions overwhelmed us both. I released him and sent him on his way.

Connor had become possessed by a fade demon and we had to go to the Circle Tower to get the mages help. I wasn't pleased about it but at that point I couldn't just ignore what I knew had to be done. Greagoir wasn't that pleased to see me and I thought for a moment he was going to call the templars to attack. He didn't; thankfully, I wouldn't have wanted to fight the templars. The tower had been taken over by blood mages and abominations and we had to fight our way through. We ended up trapped in the fade but of course we managed to escape from there. Then we had to fight Uldred or what he had become to rescue Irving. Wynne, a mage of the tower had also been in Ostagar and she decided to join Alistair and me in battling the darkspawn. We rescued Irving and he agreed to help with the blight and to go to Redcliff to help me go into the fade to save Connor. I was successful in the fade or I wouldn't be writing this. Connor saved and we had the ashes already so it wasn't long before Eamon was back with us. Decisions were made about our next course of action. Eamon is going to put Alistair forward as King, but first we need to obtain more allies.

We were leaving the castle when I felt a wrenching in my gut and then I was in the fade again. I didn't know what to make of it, but I found my parents there and we sat down and talked. Then I lost them and I found myself wandering the fade chasing shadows and defending myself from demons. The oddest thing is that I could hear everybody talking about me, too me, and telling me stories. Even as I fought for my survival in the fade I could hear my companions talking but I began to realize that there was one voice I hadn't heard. It disturbed me and in my panic I called out to him. I knew that I had to find Alistair. I knew that if I didn't find him I would never defeat the darkspawn. So I began to panic and search through the fade calling to him and finally one day I thought I heard him and then I was sure of it. I could hear him reading to me, I sat down right where I was in the fade and closed my eyes listening to the drone of his voice. I don't know how long it was that I stayed like that but suddenly I heard him screaming at me to heal myself and to come back. I wanted to ignore the sudden urge to do as bidden but then something in me took over and I began to radiate healing within the fade hoping that it would heal my body. It must have worked because when I awoke I found myself in a bed with Alistair seated on the bed next to me with his feet propped up on a nearby chair. I poked him once and then again and the look on his face when he saw me awake was one of such relief it stirred feelings within me that I didn't know I was aware of. Here was a person who relied on me to be here in this world. I knew that if I wasn't around, his world would be much bleaker. I have a reason to live. I told everybody I didn't know what happened but I think I do. Something about the decisions that had been made with Eamon had made me feel that something wasn't right anymore; I remember feeling a sad sense of loss. I think for the briefest moment as I left the castle I wished I had died with my parents. It was this single thought that caused every previous wound I had been gifted over the years to reappear. It scares me to think a stray thought could do that to me.

I've recovered and we will be leaving Redcliff tomorrow. Anytime I start to think about what happened to me I keep hearing Alistair's voice saying the same ten words over and over again, "I need you. I can't do this on my own." There is something about these words that makes me stand up straight and raise my chin in determination. We will settle things with Loghain, we will raise our army, and the darkspawn will be defeated.

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Reflections Ten:

I was perhaps naïve in thinking that things were mended between me and my fellow grey warden. We haven't talked much. He seems nicer, more pleasant, but he hasn't warmed up to me like I had expected. Could my past actions still be impacting his interaction with me? A few days ago we headed to the Frostback Mountains and Orzammar. We had stopped for the first night and Roland reminded me about the shield I had for Alistair. It was the shield Arl Eamon had given me for helping save everyone in Redcliff. I had paid a good amount of gold to have the coat of arms on it changed to the Grey Warden crest and then I added some enchantments on it. I had broken Havard's Aegis which was the shield we had obtained when we had fought our way through the tower to light the beacon in Ostagar. Alistair had taken down the ogre in the end and I had given him the shield. So he was back to using the wooden warden shield that isn't much good. When I approached Alistair with the shield I could see him looking at the shield in anticipation. When I stood before Alistair I found myself a bit tongue tied but then after a deep breath I said these words, "I broke your last shield so I figure I owe you a new one. I hope this shield will be even better than the Havard's Aegis." Alistair didn't say anything but took the offered shield and began running his hand over the metal surface. He traced the grey warden crest and then he put the shield on and drew his sword.

"Let's try it and see; cross swords with me again, Aonghas." I shook my head in the negative not wanting to fight him again. "Come now… does my new shield frighten you?" He laughed after he had said it and I laughed as well. "No? Ser Gilmore, what say you?" Ser Gilmore agreed and the two began beating on each other.

I had hoped the shield would further repair the rift between us but the next day we ran into some travelers and after we had stopped and chatted with them we moved on. They had just moved out of earshot when Alistair grabbed and slammed me into a nearby tree. "Those were refugees, Aonghas, how dare you steal from them!" I claimed not to know what he was talking about, but when he let go of me with one of his hands and used it to reach for my belt pouch I became angry and slapped his reaching hand away and then I twisted in the grip of his other hand and managed to break his hold. I had not taken two steps before he grabbed me again and slammed me into the same large tree again. "Tell me again you didn't steal from them?" At this point I was glad that I wore my father's armor instead of robes because I would have suffered serious harm from being slammed into the tree if my armor hadn't buffered me, as it is I was concerned that the armor would be dented from the impact. I have to admit I was beside myself because this wasn't the Alistair I knew. Oh sure he had grabbed me before and pushed me away from the others to have a private chat, he had even backed me into things before, but never this violent of a behavior. I didn't know if it was because we were alone or not. Zevran had gone on ahead with Majestic to scout for Loghain's men and the others were following at a slower pace with the camp followers. I could have given in at that point and admitted what I had done but a surge of anger filled me and instead I brought my own arms up between us and slammed my gauntlet covered fists into the warden commander Griffon crest on his breastplate as hard as the lack of room would allow for. The blow staggered him and ripped his hands from the grip he had on me. Quickly I slipped to the side away from the tree but he was only momentarily stunned. The roar of rage he let out made me panic a bit and I stumbled over a root of the tree. That was all the time he needed to grab me again. I felt myself spun around before I had even straightened up and he slammed me into the large tree face forward this time and I knew for sure my breastplate was dented this time because I could feel it pressing into my chest. Maker Alistair is one extremely strong man. I wasn't done fighting though and I grabbed the tree trying to push off it but Alistair growled in my ear as he pressed himself hard against me, holding me effectively against the tree. I don't know why but for some reason as I felt his breath against the side of my head the thought came to me that I wish we hadn't left our helms hanging from our saddlebags and were wearing them instead. We had been walking the horses when we came across the travelers. It was then I noticed our horses were wandering off seemly disturbed by our commotion. I warned Alistair of it but he just hissed at me to stop resisting and admit what I had done. I could feel his panting breath against my ear and I was sure I could feel him shaking in his rage. I tried to understand why he was so angered but it was beyond my shocked mind to comprehend.

"Oh, look at that your horses are making a break for it. Come Majestic let's get them." I turned scarlet as I heard Zevran speak and I became very angry at Alistair at that point. When I demanded he release me he did so with another growl and one last shove. His face was as red as mine when I turned to face him but I wasn't sure if it was still his rage that caused it or if he was embarrassed as well. We didn't speak as Zevran returned with the errant horses. I had quickly removed my gauntlets, arm, and shoulder armor but I was having a hard time unbuckling the breastplate and I was finding it difficult to breath as it pressed into my rib cage uncomfortably. Finally Alistair stepped forward and undid the buckles and helped me remove it. I could see the look of remorse on his face as he examined the damaged breast plate. We still didn't speak to each other as I removed the rest of my armor. Zevran, anticipating what I needed had brought me the saddle bag with my clothing and I stripped and then pulled on my new breeches and pulled my robe over my head letting it drop down to cover me and then I slipped into my matching enchanted leather gauntlets and boots. I had not worn the new clothing yet, it was Leliana who had picked them out for me. She had gone on and on about how they would complement my hair and eyes and how it would let people know I was somebody to pay attention to. I wasn't sure I liked it much but I had learned early not to argue with women when it comes to what to wear. I had taken the time to have the clothes enchanted but I wasn't expecting to be wearing them so soon. Zevran helped me pack up my gear as Alistair stood staring at my chest plate turning it over and over again in his hands. Zevran finally took it from him and as we strapped it to my horse Alistair took up the reins of his own horse and began walking the way we had been heading.

Camp is quiet tonight; part of the reason is Alistair's silence, but the others seem to know something is up even though I know Zevran would have told them nothing. Majestic has been watching Alistair intently for sometime occasionally whining, but Alistair seemed too lost in his own thoughts to notice. Majestic settled down next to Alistair, when the man finally settled by the fire, and he put his large head in Alistair's lap. Alistair seemed surprised and a little bit leery but when he tentatively petted the mabari and the hound settled more comfortably against him his face seemed to relax and he sat staring into the fire while gently petting the hound. Was it my place to apologize this time or Alistair's? It didn't seem to me that he was planning to anytime soon. I'm going stop writing now and return to my reflections another day. One last thing though. Ceremonial armor isn't meant to be worn to battle.

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It is Time to Settle Things:

The Grey Warden Alistair squatted beside the Mabari war hound and scratched the offered belly as the Grey Warden Aonghas stood across the dog from him. Alistair frowned for a time and then shook his head and began to speak as he continued to pet the dog.

"I was a bit rough with you today." Aonghas shifted from foot to foot looking as if he wanted to say something but he didn't speak. "I have been trying to figure out why I reacted so violently. It comes to mind that holding back my thoughts and opinions is a mistake. I never knew I could get that angry. When you and Eamon decided to put me forward as Cailan's heir for the landsmeet I was to say the least upset. You and I have not had a chance to talk about it since you collapsed right after. I do not want to be king and you know that. It was like you both didn't care what I wanted. It made me miss Duncan and I felt like I was going to loose it again. Then you collapsed and everything was about getting you well. I think my feelings lay hidden until today when you stole from those poor refugees. I overreacted to the whole situation. I am sorry about your father's armor, but I stand by the fact that you should not have stolen from them."

Alistair didn't even look up to see Aonghas' reaction, but instead continued giving his attention to the hound. Aonghas' face had reddened somewhat and he seemed to be battling some serious emotions, clenching and unclenching his fists. It was sometime before he appeared to calm down and then he spoke. "You are right, I should not have stolen what little they had." There was silence for a time and then he spoke again. "I know you said you don't want to be king, but like I told you then. You probably don't have a choice. I wish I could make it go away for you, but I can't. Ferelden needs a king and one that isn't Loghain."

Alistair stood and gave Aonghas a harsh look. "That is the only reason why I'll go along with Arl Eamon's plan. I do not want to rule but I know that I have a duty to Ferelden." Aonghas nodded to acknowledge Alistair's words. "We have talked enough about this for now, but we will talk again." Aonghas nodded to Alistair and then watched the senior grey warden head back to the campfire.

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Reflections Eleven:

For my future reference: NEVER take Wynne, Leliana, and Zevran shopping together. Orzammar Commons will never be the same. I was going to take Wynne, Leliana, and Morrigan with me but Zevran invited himself and Morrigan was not interested. I thought for a moment that Alistair was going to insist on going but he did not. I saw him stop Zevran as we left our quarters and speak with him, but I couldn't hear what was said. Zevran had nodded in agreement to whatever Alistair had said and then joined me as I left. Wynne and Leliana must have touched every single piece of merchandise available. The mess they left in their wake was staggering and Zevran was no help either because he spent his time teasing them mercilessly. They didn't seem to mind his behavior and they gave him almost as much teasing back. I was busy trying to question the merchants about the troubles in Orzammar. Ever tried to talk to a merchant while he worriedly watches customers in his wares. I noticed they watched Zevran very closely. Never again. I tell you!

I was rereading my reflections and noticed that I didn't mention anything about when we took a quick trip down to Ostagar before officially leaving Redcliff for Orzammar. It was hard for Alistair and Wynne to go back there. I could hear sadness in their voices as they talked about what happened there. We killed many darkspawn that day and then we found Cailan's naked body on display. I felt as if my chest would burst when I saw what they had done to our king. We annihilated all the remaining darkspawn and collected all of Cailan's armor, his shield, and King Maric's sword. We found the documents we had returned for as well. We said goodbye to Cailan, giving him a proper farewell by building him a funeral pyre. I don't think I ever saw Alistair looking so sad. I hope not to see it again. I want that man who made jokes and tries to look at the bright side of things back and not this man that is so full of rage and grief that one wrong move or word on my part sends him into a rage.

Alistair and I did talk briefly about what happened between us on the way to Ostagar but it was all left a bit unresolved. I am beginning to see a pattern with him one where he allows me to make all of the hard decisions but still wants to tell me how I should or shouldn't act. Sometimes I wish he would just take over leadership and let me follow blindly along. I wouldn't mind letting somebody else take responsibility for what happens. Enough of this. I will not sit here whining about my lot in life. I have things to do and people who are depending on me. Maker have mercy, Ser Gilmore is calling me to arms practice. Now that I'm not wearing armor he thinks I need to retrain and figure out new tactics. I'm for what Alistair said about me just being support, but Ser Gilmore is probably right that I will rush into battle first, armor or not. I'm kind of insane like that.

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Dreams

The quietness of the Orzammar guest estate was interrupted by the terrified scream of a man. The scream ripped through the halls and then seemed to strangle itself and the halls were silent once more. Nothing moved about although many had been woken. After a short while a large heavily muscled man emerged from one of the rooms, he only had on pants and his bare torso gleamed with a thin sheen of sweat. He slowly walked down the hall towards the bed chamber next to his; rubbing a hand over his short dark blond haired head and giving himself the luxury of one yawn before knocking on the door. He didn't wait for an answer before opening the door and entering the room. The man slowly plodded across the room, using the faint glow that all the rooms seemed to have to find his way to the bed. He looked down at the man whose scream had awoken him. The younger man's platinum blond hair was mussed and soaked with sweat and his bare torso gleamed with sweat. The glowing emerald green eyes were still wide in fright and the man was panting and shaking in reaction. The older man spoke in a soft and kind-hearted voice, "Take deep breaths, Aonghas." When the younger man, Aonghas, didn't seem to be getting control of his reactions the visitor placed one knee on the middle of the edge of the bed and leaned over to grip the shaking shoulder of the terrified man. "Come on Aonghas take some deep breaths." This time Aonghas took a couple of shuddering deep breaths but his eyes remained wide open in fear and he continued to shake. "I take it this was another grey warden dream." Aonghas nodded but didn't speak. "My dreams too have been getting worse as time goes by." The large man sat down facing the younger man with one leg bent at the knee and the other hanging over the edge of the bed.

"I keep seeing the dragon and the darkspawn. Things seem more urgent in the dreams as if the time is drawing near. Alistair, I don't think I can handle all this." Alistair stared at the younger man's eyes for a short time and then after giving the shoulder he still gripped a gentle shake he let go and sat up straighter.

"I know how you feel, but this is what we are grey wardens for; to deal with this archdemon. I know the dreams are disturbing but you have to handle this. You prove it everyday that you can handle it. Don't let the dreams make you falter. We have to carry on. You and I are the only grey wardens here if we don't do it then the darkspawn will take Ferelden. Is there anything I can do to make it easier for you?"

Tension seemed to build in the room as the two stared into each others eyes. The younger man opened his mouth to speak a couple of times but then he looked away from Alistair's eyes. His trembling had subsided and his breathing had returned to normal but as his gaze slowly traveled down the older mans body his breath quickened and then his pale cheeks turned pink and he quickly looked away. "No. I'm glad that you came in to talk; to help me calm down."

Alistair smiled, "I am here for you, Aonghas. I know it is unfair of me to put all the leading on you, but you are much better suited to it than I am. You were raised to lead being a Cousland and even though I know you spent time in the Circle you are more of a nobleman than you are a mage."

"I don't know about that. It seems like the five plus years I was at the Circle made it so that I missed too much training. My parents and brother have a way about them that makes it possible for them to persuade people to their view. I don't have that. I know that they tried to catch me up in the six months before… before…" Aonghas looked to be struggling not to burst into tears.

The two sat frozen for a time and then without saying anything and without a word of permission Alistair grabbed Aonghas' by the wrists and pulled the younger man upright and forward to hold the distraught man against his chest. Aonghas' had stiffened at being touched but suddenly the tears he fought to hold back burst forth and he moaned in anguish before wrapping his arms around Alistair and pressing his face into the chest before him. Aonghas began to sob more harshly shaking them both with the force of them. Alistair's didn't say anything but he hugged Aonghas tighter as his own tears chocked his throat and then began to stream down his cheeks. Words seemed to echo in the room but neither of the men appeared to hear it as they clung to each other as if the very world was dropping out from beneath them. "Ahhh, to have lost so much. You both have much in common." The voice seemed to laugh and then was no more.

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Reflections Twelve:

This reflection finds me sitting at the table in the common room of the estate that we have been given the use of while in Orzammar. The estate is rather large with enough bed chambers for all of my companions; it comes complete with a cook and maids. There is even a backyard area set up for arms practice. Last night my dream of the archdemon and the darkspawn was a particularly bad one. I woke screaming and the terror of it left me shaking. Today I feel different, almost as if a huge burden has been lifted from me. It doesn't make any sense; I still have the archdemon to contend with and I still have to gather an army. There is still Howe and Loghain to deal with. Perhaps examining the why of it is less important than just doing what I know needs to be done.

I was angry when I realized the only way I could get the dwarves to fulfill their obligation to the Grey Wardens was if they had a king on the throne. They seem to be dead locked in the assembly, unable to appoint the next King. I waited two weeks and nothing change, so we took a trip to the Circle of Magi. When we returned nothing had changed so I gave them another week but it had become clear that it is necessary for me to decide who I will help. I spoke with the representatives of both candidates and I knew I would have to make a choice. Zevran's comments about the cowardice of Harrowmont when I spoke to Dulin were what helped me make my decision. "Were I you I would seek a stronger king than this Harrowmont." So I chose to support Bhelen and now he has me running around to further prove to him I'm his man. The whole idea of it angers me but I know my duty. I need the dwarves to defeat the darkspawn. Today we are preparing to hunt down the criminals that are taking advantage of the chaos. I can't really blame them for taking advantage of the great opportunity but I have no choice but to deal with them.

Ah, here are the others back from a trip to the commons. It seems everybody has taken to shopping lately. I'll leave off this useless reflecting for now and get back to my responsibilities.

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The Tale of Orzammar

Two Grey Wardens and their companions entered Orzammar seeking the aid of the dwarves against the blight; what they found was a kingdom divided over the succession of the throne. The corruption appeared; to the leader of the group, to run deep and he did not want to get involved in the turmoil but everywhere he turned the dwarves refused to give him the aid he asked for. Again and again Aonghas of the Grey Wardens was told that, 'Only the King can fulfill the terms of the treaty.' This angered the young warden and he tried to threaten and bluster but was unsuccessful against the steadfast dwarves. The visitors were given the use of a large guest estate while they waited for the succession to be decided. Aonghas did not go to speak to the two warring sides because as he told his companions. "I would prefer not to become involved in their politics." The Grey Wardens and their companions settled into the estate.

The Grey Warden Alistair was weary from the constant traveling and all he felt like doing was sitting back and drinking, so he headed to Tapsters and joined the dwarves. Sten, the Qunari, spent a good amount of time working on his armor and sword and it wasn't long before he had them repaired/sharpened and shining like new. Ser Gilmore hung around the estate for a while repairing arms and gear, but even he tired of hanging out in the estate and decided to begin joining Alistair in Tapsters. Zevran and Leliana began a never ending contest of seeing who could tell the wildest tale; although, much later in the day Zevran would head to Tapsters. Morrigan rarely came out of her room and when she did it was to complain about their long stay or to make her usual sarcastic comments to others. Wynne seemed happy to just sit and knit while reading the many books that the leader of their group had gifted her. Majestic; Aonghas' Mabari war hound, was unusually quiet and at first he was happy to settle by Aonghas, but even he grew tired of sitting still and began to follow Alistair around. The hound became a favorite at the tavern even though he managed to cause a ruckus almost on a nightly basis. After the first meal and before the second Ser Gilmore and Aonghas would go to the estate's weapons yard and train. Often the others would join them either watching or training on their own. The lute that Aonghas had gifted Leliana often accompanied them as they trained.

A week passed before Aonghas stirred himself from his reading to wander over to Tapsters. When he stepped into the dimly lit tavern he inhaled deeply at the unfamiliar scents. Some of the dwarves watched him but most were too busy to notice the colorful human. Aonghas stepped slowly through the tavern, side stepping a few drunken dwarfs before coming to the table in the back of the tavern where Alistair, Ser Gilmore, and Zevran sat. Majestic was also there seated on the bench next to Alistair lapping an unknown brew from a bowl set on the table. Aonghas' eyes widen at the scene and he hovered over the group and exclaimed, "You're feeding my hound what?"

Alistair looked up and grinned then raising his mug up in the air he saluted his fellow grey warden, "Ale of course, the best the house has to offer."

"The best the house has to offer? Do you have that much coin?"

Alistair laughed and drank a long drought from his mug before answering, "The hound paid." Ser Gilmore and Zevran burst into laughter as did the two dwarves who were keeping them company. Aonghas wasn't amused but he didn't speak as he dragged a stool over and sat at the open end of the table. A waitress plopped a mug of ale down in front of Aonghas and then went on her way. Aonghas stared at the mug for a while undecided if he should try the brew and just as he had decided it wouldn't hurt and had started to reach for it; Alistair took the mug. Aonghas narrowed his eyes and watched as his fellow grey warden lifted the mug to his lips and swallowed it down. "Ah that is good ale." Aonghas just shook his head deciding to let it go and leaned back to listen to one of the dwarves who was busy telling about his exploits in the Deep Roads. It wasn't long before another round of drinks was called for and the waitress again deposited a mug in front of Aonghas and again just as Aonghas reached for the mug it was snatched away; this time by Ser Gilmore. Aonghas gave a glare to the squire and he was reaching forward to take the mug back when a heavy hand grabbed his wrist preventing him. Aonghas eyes traveled up the wrist and arm to give Alistair his fiercest stare, but the older man didn't appear impressed as he released his hold. "You are not to drink." Alistair's voice was firm and held a note of finality to it. Aonghas wanted to rage against Alistair but he was leery of causing a scene in public, so he settled back in his chair to watch the others drink and to listen to their boasting.

When Alistair decided to call it a night Zevran and Ser Gilmore stood and wished the dwarves a fair night before heading to the door. Aonghas remained sitting and had just leaned forward to start questioning the dwarves when Alistair fell against him as he started to pass. "Oops maybe I had too much to drink. How about helping a fellow home, Aonghas?" Aonghas sighed in exasperation but he stood and after slipping a supporting arm around Alistair's waist and feeling Alistair's arm settle over his shoulders he helped the staggering man out of the tavern and back to their estate. Once inside the estate Alistair stood on his own and then smirked. "Thanks for the help. I should head to bed."

Aonghas felt a sudden rage hit him at being once more smoothly manipulated by Alistair. "You… don't you go anywhere! We need to talk, right now!" Alistair turned back to face Aonghas his smirk had slipped from his face to be replaced by a scowl of anger. He didn't like to be talked to like that anymore than Aonghas did. He strode back so that he stood less than a foot away from Aonghas and glared the five inches down into his fellow warden's eyes. Aonghas raised his chin meeting the taller mans glare with a fierce one of his own. Despite what Alistair had told others about not being raised in the lap of luxury it was obvious to Aonghas that he had the arrogance of a nobleman and ever since they had made that trip to Denerim and found Alistair's sister the man's whole behavior had changed and he had become much more confident. Alistair's insecurity and the desire to be led by others were a thing of the past now. Aonghas knew he had done the right thing by pointing out to Alistair that everyone was just out for themselves, but he hadn't realized how the impact of that statement on Alistair would change their own relationship. Alistair still allowed, yes allowed, Aonghas to lead but now he rarely passed up the opportunity to bend situations to his will if Aonghas began leading them down a path he felt was wrong.

"Speak," Alistair's voice was almost a growl as he flexed his muscles and glared fiercely at the younger warden. Aonghas steeled himself against the menacing threat he could feel emanating from Alistair and forced his own anger to the fore to sustain his courage.

"You shouldn't have taken my ale. If I want to drink some bloody ale, I will. I am so tired of you manipulating me! You take advantage of the fact that I was raised not to make a scene in public. If you don't stop doing it, I will put aside my training and we will start having it out in public." Aonghas watched in apprehension as each one of his statements seemed to cause Alistair's reddened face to get darker and darker red. Aonghas couldn't help but involuntarily cringe when the same man; that had slammed him against a tree damaging his father's armor, shifted closer to him and spoke harshly.

"You will not threaten me. You keep reminding me that I will be king, so how about giving me the respect the rank deserves." Aonghas felt as if the floor dropped out from under him as he felt the rift between them begin to widen again. Alistair shook his head sadly from side to side. "I can't help but feel responsible for you. The things that have happened to us and between us make me feel like I need to protect you and keep you safe. I can't help the way I feel. You make it sound like I committed a huge crime by keeping you from drinking. Remember the last time you drank at camp? You nearly caught the tents on fire. A drunken mage is a danger to us all. I think it would be best if we just walk away from each other now before we say things we will later regret." Alistair didn't wait for a response and he turned sharply and strode off to his bed chamber. Aonghas stood silently not moving for a very long time, but a nudge from Majestic got him moving to his own bed chamber. His mind was numb almost in shock and he just couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that somehow he had lost all the power in the struggle between him and Alistair. He needed that power back but how to gain it was beyond his tired mind, so he fell into a restless slumber.

Alistair was seated alone at the common table of the estate they had been given for their use, while in Orzammar. He looked up as Aonghas entered and wasn't sure what to make of his fellow Grey Wardens determined look. "Look, Alistair, it is clear that things are a bit tense with us right now. I think it would be best if you and I spend the least amount of time together as we can."

Alistair nodded in agreement before speaking, "Just make sure you have somebody with you at all times and let me know where you are going in case anything happens."

Aonghas seemed about to argue but instead he agreed. "I can do that."

Aonghas spent the next week talking to various dwarves and helping them out; he still steered clear of the political situation. After picking up a couple of jobs that required him to leave Orzammar he sat down with Alistair at the common table. Alistair had grown extremely quiet and had taken to reading the books his companions had left scattered around. He still went to the tavern every night with Ser Gilmore, Zevran, and Majestic. Aonghas had not joined them again; although, he had come in to talk to some of the tavern patrons. When Alistair finally looked up from his book, Aonghas spoke, "We need to make a trip to the Circle of Magi. Can I pull you away from these books long enough to get you to come?" Alistair slammed the book shut and lurched up from his chair. "Wait… we aren't leaving till tomorrow."

"I need to pack." Alistair didn't say anything else before quickly leaving the common room to do so.

The Last of the Ferelden Grey Wardens and their companions had pitched their camp within half a day of the Circle of Magi. Leliana entertained the party with her gifted lute while Alistair squatted by the large stew pot making dinner. As Alistair gave his full attention to Leliana he felt a brush against his left side and then he felt breath against his left ear and a chest pressed against his arm as words whispered in his ear. "Did I ever tell you how handsome you are and how cooking makes you look sexy." Alistair reared up his face brilliant red and as he stood staring down at Aonghas with a look of shock on his face he began to tremble. Aonghas sat on the ground where Alistair had accidentally knocked him when he stood in such a rush. "Maybe I was out of line." Aonghas struggled to his feet and walked away from Alistair, a smirk playing across his lips once his back was to the older man.

The travelers were done quickly at the Circle of Magi and headed back to Orzammar.

A week had passed since the Grey Wardens and companions had returned to Orzammar. During the week they had enjoyed proving themselves champions. They had fought in the unofficial and official contests of the Proving that honored the previous King.

Aonghas pulled himself out of another terrifying dream before he could begin screaming. He had gotten better at waking himself up before the dreams could overwhelm him. The Grey Warden grunted as he sat up and dangled his feet over the edge of the bed, slowly he raised his hands and even in the dim light he could see them shaking. Aonghas heaved a great sigh and had started to lie down again when he spotted the book he had been reading. Aonghas picked up the book and gently ran his hands over the leather binding and then he opened to the center of the book where two pieces of parchment rested firmly against each other. Carefully he pulled the parchment apart and a pressed rose slipped out onto Aonghas' lap. Aonghas picked up the rose with a trembling hand and carefully placed it between the parchment sheets and restored them to the center of the book, as he set the book on the bedside table again he spoke softly. "Was it right of me to use another's emotional needs to obtain the power I seek?" Aonghas sighed deeply and then spoke aloud to the room once more. "Tomorrow I will make a choice about who to support."

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Reflection Thirteen:

When we left Orzammar I felt a confusing rush of emotions surging through me. We had spent more time in Orzammar than we had anywhere else. It was a time to regroup and steady ourselves for the times ahead. It was a time to discover more about ourselves and to learn to share more about ourselves with each other. It was a place where new love; that had been discovered in the trip between Orzammar and the Circle of Magi and back to Orzammar, grew stronger and changed everything.

I left with a renewed confidence in my abilities. It had been a hard adjustment going from being a Cousland rushing into battle at the head of the party to allowing the others to rush in first. I found it hard to stay in the background using my staff to attack enemies instead of shield and sword.

For a time I had tried to fight in clothing with shield and sword but after receiving a serious wound that laid me up for a few days Wynne and the others demanded I see reason. It's different being more of a support fighter. Wynne's teaching helped me the most in the beginning and I certainly felt better about not taking her into such dangerous situations.

Part of me still wants to wear heavy armor and hit things with my sword, but Alistair had pointed out that I didn't even have armor to wear that is suitable. I will definitely get armor at some point and wear shield and sword again but for now as we travel from place to place it makes sense to go dressed as I am; besides, Leliana always has this silly yet sweet grin on her face as she brushes dirt off my clothes after a long days travel. "You know this outfit truly suits you." I could still hear Alistair's laughter as Leliana chastised me for getting one of the leather gauntlets cut and then managing to tear it when I got caught on a tree branch; and I couldn't control my own laughter as he repaired it with a sheepish look when she took offense to his laughter. "If you think it's so funny, Alistair, you can fix it! I know you learned that skill in the monastery."

We found a Dalish tribe who needs our help against werewolves so we'll help them in hopes that, they will in turn, aid us against the blight. We were attacked at camp not to long ago so things are definitely heating up. We'll need to be much more vigilant from here on.

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Battle Wounds

Aonghas Cousland dodged to the side avoiding the swipe of one attacker's sword, but as he spun around his shield was knocked to the side by a second Hurlock and a third slashed his sword across Aonghas' ribs. Aonghas swayed barely able to stand as blood rushed from the wound that cut straight across the front of his lower ribs. Ser Gilmore suddenly appeared pushing the attackers away from him. Aonghas felt himself starting to fall but a strong armored arm wrapped around his body pressing firmly against the wound causing him to hiss in pain. Moments later Aonghas could feel himself lifted with the same arm and carried away from the fighting. Through a haze he watched Zevran and Ser Gilmore kill the remaining darkspawn.

"Zevran, please get Wynne. Ser Gilmore, help me disarm him." As Alistair's voice vibrated in Aonghas' head he couldn't help but wonder who 'him' was, but when Ser Gilmore came and took Aonghas' sword and removed his shield the young man realized Alistair was talking about him. Aonghas struggled to move to stand on his own but the armored arm tightened against his ribs. "Don't move until Wynne gets here, Aonghas." Aonghas watched as Ser Gilmore removed Alistair's shield from the arm that wasn't holding to his middle and it was then he realized it had to be Alistair holding him. Suddenly Aonghas remembered he was angry at Alistair that day so he struggled to move away. "Aonghas, please, if I let you go the bleeding will kill you before Wynne can get here." Aonghas froze at the words and stared down at the arm holding to his ribs; he was just wondering if he should try to heal himself when darkness closed in around him.

Aonghas woke beside the fire with Alistair sitting on the ground beside him. "This is the end of this Aonghas. You will not lead the charge again. You are needed too much to risk yourself in the front lines." Aonghas closed his eyes against his fellow Grey Wardens commands. "I am not just saying it this time. It's an order."

Aonghas' gaze met Alistair's fierce glare and with a heavy sigh Aonghas nodded, "As you wish, My Prince." Alistair looked angry for a moment and then he stood and strode away. Wynne came then and expressed the same sentiment of no more leading the charge. Leliana had pretty much the same to say but she made sure to lament the difficulty of repairing his lovely clothing.

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The Shadier Side of Aonghas (Dark Wolf)

Aonghas, Zevran, Leliana, and Oghren carefully slipped through the estate making the least amount of noise as possible. Aonghas was bound and determined to make a name for himself as an all around thief and burglar; of course, his real name would never be known but he would know it was his work. Aonghas had only agreed to take the dwarf with them because Alistair had insisted that he have a warrior with him. Alistair seemed to fear that he and Aonghas' were still targets and therefore in danger. Surprisingly the drunken dwarf moved quietly once you took him out of his armor and put him into leather.

"No… Aonghas! Back off take the rear; allow Zevran and Oghren to take the front." Aonghas could barely hear Leliana's voice over the blood rushing through his head and the clang of shield and sword as he rushed into battle against the guards of the home they were burglarizing. Finally the guards in the room were all defeated and Leliana and then Zevran rushed to Aonghas. "You aren't hurt are you?" Leliana's voice sounded worried.

"What? No. Of course I'm not!"

"Are you sure? You are covered in blood." Zevran asked in his heavy accent as he and Leliana pawed at Aonghas looking for wounds.

"Stop it. I'm fine and it is not my blood."

"Come now lad put up the shield and sword and use your staff." Aonghas turned and glared at Zevran, but the elf continued speaking without looking at Aonghas, "You know what Alistair would say."

"What?" Aonghas struggled to control his rising anger but failed. "Alistair isn't here!" Zevran shrugged and turned away as Aonghas' glare fastened on him. "Well is he?" Zevran didn't answer but he and Oghren exchanged a look. "We wouldn't be here at all if Alistair had his way. I don't happen to care what he says or not. I am the leader of this group not him."

"You can not expect us to let you do this? It is selfish of you to not consider how your actions will reflect on us. Alistair would not be pleased if we brought you back injured. He made it clear to you that you were not to fight with shield and sword in your current gear. Yes?"

"I'm in charge here Zevran. I do not care what kind of pack you and Alistair made regarding me, but you will not control my actions by threatening me with Alistair. Now let's get out of here before we are caught, this is obviously some kind of set up."

Aonghas could feel the blush in his cheeks as he paused to talk to his comrades "I want to apologize to you three. I should not have spoken to you like I did. I know you were all just trying to look out for me. The things I said were unfair and inappropriate. I hope that you can forgive me. Sometimes I don't know why I say and do things that I know are wrong."

"You are a good lad, Aonghas. We trust in you to make the right decisions when it counts. I know that you and Alistair have had a very difficult relationship; it is only natural for you to react in a negative manner when the fragility of your relationship is threatened. I also should not have said the things I did. I did not mean to undermine your leadership. You fought well. I suggest we start looking for armor for you."

"And we should go to a tavern and get you drunk. You are a bit high strung at times, lad," announced Oghren with his answer for everything.

"I don't know that it is wise to go to a tavern but I saw some lovely armor that with a few modifications would be perfect for Aonghas!" Leliana's voice had that far away sound like she was already shopping.

"Hey woman armor isn't supposed to be lovely! He's a lad; not a lass!"

"Just because he is male and not female, Oghren; does not mean he shouldn't look good in his armor."

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Escaping Fort Drakon

Aonghas awoke cold because he was only in his small clothes and he found his head resting on Alistair's left leg. When he sat up he groaned and clutched at the lump on the back of his head. The last thing he remembered was a guard ordering him to shut up and when he hadn't his world had exploded with pain and then darkness filled his vision. He looked around at the cell they had been placed in and then turned to face Alistair. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, apparently you were too chatty for them. I think I can remember the way out."

"You don't think the others will come?"

"Even if they did would you want them to get into that kind of trouble."

"So we break out then; or more specifically I pick the lock to get us out."

"Can you do it without your tools?"

Aonghas laughed and reached for one such tool that he kept clipped to his hair behind his ear, he hissed as one of his hairs it was clipped to got snagged and ripped out. "I only made the mistake of not being prepared once."

"Yes I remember when Zevran and Leliana went to bail you out." Alistair's tone was wry and disapproving but Aonghas choose to ignore him. "Thankfully you were in disguise. You are lucky the guards here don't suspect Aonghas Cousland to be the Dark Wolf."

"Of course I could magic the lock too but where's the challenge? Zevran told you about that?"

Alistair shook his head at the younger man's bravado. "Yes as did Leliana and Oghren. You didn't really expect them not to talk about your success did you?" Aonghas didn't answer as he continued to work on the lock. When Alistair heard the lock click and open after Aonghas had only been at it for a short time a smile stretched his lips and he stood moving to the door as Aonghas opened it. The guard outside was started and Alistair easily incapacitated him. They found their gear in a chest near by and they had only taken two steps into the next room when they were spotted and attacked by guards. They defeated the guards and moved further away from their cell.

"I really wish you would stop doing that!"

"Stop doing what?"

"Rushing in and pushing me to the side when we are fighting."

"I'm the one who is supposed to rush in first. You know you'll never be as strong as I am. I always will be stronger than you; you should just let me go first."

"Look, I'm not going to argue with you and of course I know you are stronger than me and always will be. That doesn't mean that I'm not a great fighter. I'm actually better at fighting than you."

"I didn't say you weren't a great fighter. I was just trying to explain why I push you aside in a fight. And you are so not a better fighter than I am."

"Just because you are stronger than me doesn't mean you should push me out of the way. I'm not some fragile flower that needs your protection."

"Oh, blast it! We don't have time for this now. What do you have there?"

"Guard armor; there is one in each of our sizes. Lucky us."

"Right, lucky, let's hope we can pull it off. Don't get creative if you have to talk to people. Hey wait. Did you hear me?"

"I heard you. Let's go!"

Needless to say Aonghas tried to get creative when talking to people and they were found out and had to fight their way out of Fort Drakon. Just as they were to the exit they found Morrigan and Leliana trying to get in to rescue them.

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Reflections Fourteen:

We have all of our treaties fulfilled and after scouring Denerim for information to use against Loghain we are ready to confront him. Alistair must be made King for Ferelden's sake and Loghain must be made to pay for his crimes against King and country. I will return to this reflection after the landsmeet.

I rejoin this reflection much later than I had anticipated. I want to say things didn't turn out the way they should but that wouldn't be the whole truth. As planned Alistair will be King of Ferelden and Loghain paid for his crimes with his life. Anora had backstabbed us in the landsmeet and we were unable to get a full consensus because of it. Arl Eamon highhandedly ordered us to fight for our freedom when Loghain ordered us executed. The fighting was stopped before there were any deaths and the day was decided by one on one combat between Loghain and me. I won and I believe I would have made my family proud by my actions. I was stunned at how cold hearted Alistair seemed when he killed Loghain. I don't know why I was because I knew how Alistair felt about the man. I felt something wrench inside me as Loghain was killed in front of his own daughter. I knew something had changed about Alistair when he accepted the honor of ruling Ferelden.

So as you see things went well considering all things; however, there was one hitch to this that makes me want to rage and scream in despair. I had set out to gain the upper hand between Alistair and I months and months ago and I had been successful to a degree. I hadn't started out having strong feelings for my fellow grey warden. My plan had just been to use everything within my power to gain the upper hand and I did. I was successful for a time and then Goldanna happened and I had told Alistair that everybody is out for themselves and he should learn that. I did not see my error until later on, but it was a grievous one; that slowly ate away at the power I held over my fellow grey warden. And then… the landsmeet and after… Alistair ended our relationship moments after our triumph in the landsmeet. I couldn't and still can't believe it. I did try to talk him around to changing his mind but he apologized as he refused. I thought I was the one running things and then he turned it on me and now… it's over. Months ago when I set out to seduce Alistair I would have told people that it was just a way to gain power. Somehow my feelings became more than that. Somehow without me realizing it my adolescent heart had betrayed me. Somehow I lost everything. I don't have the time or luxury to deal with these feelings. I see the others watching me with fear in their eyes… fear that I will crack and be unable to do what I need to. I want to tell them that I am fine but they would see the lie.

You know what? After writing all of this I'm angry now! I can't believe he would do this now when everything is so dependent on us being at our best. Even as I write I can feel the rage building within me at everyone and everything. The archdemon will perish if it's the last thing I do! What does it matter what is between Alistair and I right now? One or both of us may not survive the blight, but we will defeat the archdemon first!

_**This may be the last reflection I ever write.**_

_**I am Aonghas; a Grey Warden of Ferelden; son of Bryce Cousland; and mage of the Circle of Magi.**_

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Author Notes: I do not take credit for the story line of Dragon Age Origins or The Story lines that involve Ser Gilmore.

I would like to thank Bioware and EA Games for producing such an awesome product that has touched my soul in ways no other has before.

A special thank you to all the Modders at Dragon Age Nexus for making my game suit my own needs.

The mods I have used are: Ser Gilmore NPC by Immortality, Universal Dye Kit by nezroy, Winter Forge by Phaenan, Adopted by xatmos; other mods by the following: Der Tunichtgut, Lady Olivia; and these other mods that I don't have time to look up the authors: Lock pick spell for mages, shield abilities for mages, stealth for all, and skill books, natural bodies all in one, beautiful people hair, Pineappletree s Vibrant Colors, more hairstyles; there are many more not listed here. Thanks to you all. I love my mods.


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